Slacktory

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We tried to hire a dating columnist for Slacktory, but we’re working on a budget so Marla is all we could afford. Also see her previous advice.

Dear Marla,

My friend’s dad cheated on his mom and he’s so depressed. How can I help?

Sincerely,
Cheater

 

Dear cheater,

First of all define ‘cheatin’ cuz it has several meanings. for example when I play monopoly im always the banker n I just stuff sum $50’s in my pocket lol but I dont consider that cheatin cuz its just a game. Another time I slept w/ my bfs roommate but that was just cuz I wanted to get my bf’s attention n it worked so that prolly doesnt count either. But this other time I said that I had 3 kids on my welfare application when really its just me n I wanted some xtra $$ to buy hot pockets. Sum of my friends considered that ‘cheatin’ but you know that saying: you say “tomato” and I say “potato” lol

So figure out ur definition of the word n resubmit. U know me always wantin to make sure I get u the best answer

Love,
Marla xoxo

 

Dear Marla,

My husband loves our dog more than me. Don’t get me wrong, she’s really sweet, but he greets her first when he gets home from work and when he’s out of town he Skypes with her and brings her souvenirs. How can I reclaim my place as alpha female?

Sincerely,
One of the Pack

 

Dear 1 of the pack,

If I know dogs n I think I do, youre pretty much stuck. Sorry 4 the cold hard truth but its true. Have u been kicked out of your bed yet? That might be next. im speakin from experience cuz I have a dog that I love more than ANYTHING in this world (besides my cat buster theyre tied for 1st place lol). his name is booty n I made my last bf sleep on the floor cause it was just too crowded w/all 3 of us

Best thing I can say to you is just try to get on the dogs good side n hopefully he/she can put in a good word to your hubby next time they hang out which will prolly be pretty soon if theyre as close as u think they are

Love,
Marla xoxo

 

Dear Marla,

My friend is a really pretty girl and I think she can do a lot better than the guys she typically dates. Last week she went to a wedding in Hawaii and could have had any guy she wanted, but she picked her step-cousin! Am I mistaken that even though he is a step, that’s still a major EW? I mean, they grew up together! Please tell me to tell her she is wrong. Thanks, you’re a doll!

Sincerely,
You can’t “Beat” anonymity

Dear ‘beat’

How pretty is she? Cause I have a single dude friend thats lookin. Anyway back to your question im not a lawyer or anything but im pretty sure its illegal to bang ur cuz in all 50 states. But its 2011 n everyone has equal love rights these days. but wait is the dude real uggs? Cause if hes sexy id say let her have him but if hes uggs then houston we have a problem lol

ok heres what to do: 1) find out if hes uggs 2) if he’s not uggs ask him what his intentions are with your friend 3) no matter what his answer is just tell him ur friend has crabs or sumthin n he’ll be so freaked lol I bet he’ll just leave n never come back. Then make sure your friend gets check for STDs cause u know how sumtimes you say stuff n it actually comes true? I dont wanna see that happen to ur friend

Love,
Marla xoxo

 

Dear Marla,

Ever since my sister got married and had kids, she hasn’t had any time for me. I know she has other priorities in life right now but I miss how it used to be. I’m still single and living in an apartment so I feel like we can’t relate to anything anymore.

Sincerely,
Lori

 

Dear lori,

This made me real sad to read cause I have a sister n I just cant imagine what would happen if she got married n left me for dust like that. but I prolly dont have to worry about that happenin cause my sister has social probs lol shes not as smooth as me w/ the dudes. im always tryin to tell her to loosen up n take sum shots but shes just not like that. Anyway have u tried talkin to your sis? Maybe she just doesnt know how u feel. A creative way to get her attention is to take a megaphone n say what u wanna say thru that lol she’ll def hear you unless shes deaf then try sign language. If that doesnt work maybe write a note but not one of those notes u put in a bottle n throw in the ocean cuz chances are she’ll never see it

Love,
Marla xoxo

 

Dear Marla,

I discovered Twitter a few months ago and I found this girl on there that I think is incredible! It seemed too perfect… I just had to ask her out. We exchanged a few emails and she told me that she was seeing someone. I’m kinda bummed about it. Do I keep talking to her? I’ve never really been in this kind of position before and could really use your expert advice.

Sincerely,
Twitter-Struck

 

Dear twitter-struck,

lol your gonna laugh but I had to google ‘twitter’ I was like WUT is that some past prez of the USA or sumthin ROFL that site seems pretty cool though maybe I should make one to meet sum dudes.

Anyways if she says shes datin somebody sorry to say but she prolly is. To be honest its probably for the better cuz what if shes one of those online liars n not really a gurl but actually a big fat bald dude whos preyin on cool guys like you. Twitter sounds like fun but plz be careful I dont wanna hear about u on that TV show about catchin predators lol

Love,
Marla xoxo

 

Dear Marla,

I recently moved back in with the parental units. My mom has been very supportive and is thrilled to have me home but my Dad on the other hand is counting down the days till I move out. How can I make my Dad more appreciative of my contributions and also make my stay with them a little more tolerable?

Sincerely,
Paula

 

Dear Paula,

Thats pretty funny ‘parental units’ I never heard that b4 lol this sounds like a tough situation though because here u are just tryin to get by n your moms cool but your dads bein a pain.

I can totes relate I moved out of my parents house when I turned 15 bc they were mad about me growin plants in my room n said it was either my plants or a roof over my head. Needless to say I picked the plants lol now im just livin the dream w/ a few friends n you know what they luv my plants.

I think you should move out if u can but if you cant then maybe try leaving ur dad poptarts in the morning as a bribe. Ive never met a dude who could refuse a poptart

Love,
Marla xoxo

 

Dear Marla,

I love my wife but I can’t STAND her mother. She tries to have a say in every single decision my wife and I make. My wife doesn’t know how I feel and I don’t know how to tell her. Any ideas?

Sincerely,
Troy

 

Dear troy,

They say ‘mother knows best’ not ‘mother in law knows best’ for a reason n sounds like u know that better than most peeps. Ive never been married but this lady that does my hair sumtimes is a mother in law n she can be a real biatch lol I still tip tho cuz she does a pretty good job w/my hair

I think the best thing to do here is just to ignore the mother in law like totally ignore her. If she asks how ur day is goin just be like ‘huh is someone there i dont hear anything’ or if she tries to butt in on convos w/your wife just plug your ears and sing a song or sumthin

btw you arent that famous football player troy palamalu are u? cuz that would be crazy if I was givin that dude advice lol but ive heard hes pretty cool w/his fam

Love,
Marla xoxo

 

Need advice from Marla, especially about “household hints”? Ask in the comments and you could be part of her next column!

  • http://twitter.com/Australianimal Minty White

    Dear Marla,
    How can i clean my oven? It gets dirty after i use it which is weird because it says self cleaning but no. dirt errrrrrywhere. PLEASE HELP i have like 2 people coming over for a meal that i have to make on that stupid oven.
    From, Mr. Oven Mitts

  • Woodnick32

    Dear Marla,

    I’m in love with this amazing woman on Twitter, and I don’t think she loves me back :( She favorites my tweets all the time, but she’s a dirty slut with that kind of stuff. I just want her to be mine, and mine only. How do I do it?

    Sincerely,
    @nickwoodlol

    • Marla

      maybe u should hire one of those cupid dudes with the love arrows ROFL

  • Guest

    Dear Marla,
    A neighbor kid fell into a hole in my backyard and he is yelling to get out, I worry if I let him out he’ll tell his parents and they’ll fill up my hole that I’ve been working on for months. How do I get out of this mess?

    Thanks!
    Hole in my Heart

  • Not Lazy But Sort of Lazy

    Hi Marla,

    I hate cleaning but feel really lame hiring a maid plus I don’t want to pay. How can I get someone to clean my house for free & without me looking lazy?

    Thanks,
    Not Lazy But Sort of Lazy

  • xo

    Dear Marla,
    I’ve recently been trying to apply for jobs and even though I’m well qualified with two masters degrees, I can’t seem to get past the first in-person interview.  I feel like I’m doing something wrong. Can you give me any interviewing tips? 
    Thanks,
    Amanda Hugnkisz

  • xo

    Dear Marla,
    I like totally need your help.  My dad is seriously buggin’ and like totally wants to take away my credit cards!  He says I like shop too much but seriously I haven’t even been to the mall in like 2 whole days!  He says the only way he’ll consider letting me keep my cards is if I sell my car.  But Marla, I’m like so confused.  If I don’t have a car, how will I get to the mall?
    Please help!
    Thanks,
    Missy

  • xo

    Hi Marla,
    This is a 2 part question.  Part 1. It seems like you keep a pretty nice home and I was wondering, where do you get those things on the walls that hold books?  They are like magic holding those books up and people who have them on the walls look so smart.  Part 2. Where do you get all the books?

    • xo

      whoops sorry I forgot to sign it.  Thanks – Roberta

  • Death to Stinkbugs

    Dear Marla,

    I need like serious help. You just have to know how to get rid of stinkbugs. I have tried offering them booze and virgins but they won’t take it. My house is overrun. I think their mothership is in one of my old prom dresses in the bottom of my closet. How can I get them out without ruining the dress? I want to wear it again someday when me and my girlfriends have wine night.

    Please help!
    - Death to Stinkbugs

  • Help

    Hey Marla,

    I have a gay friend who goes to straight bars and tells girls that their breasts are beautiful.  Then if he get’s drunk, he’ll reach out and touch them.  Honestly it can be pretty shocking.  He says it’s ok because he’s gay, but I’m leaning towards he’s one grab away from a pair of black eyes.  Who wins this one?

    -Tits McGee

  • Poopy Rug

    Dear Marla,

    My dog isn’t potty trained and always goes on my rug. What’s the best way to get the stains out? 

    Poopy Rug

  • Guest

    Dear Marla,

    Every time I do laundry my clothes always come out of the dryer stiff as a board. I know I should use fabric softener, but money is tight right now and that’s just a luxury i can’t afford. Do you have any cheap at home remedies that may work for me?

    Thanks Marla!

    Stiff Pants Susie

  • Rory Holderness

    How do I fix my dryer? It keeps getting screwed up. It does fine with clothes but it doesn’t even get my cat like half dry, even after an hour on the hottest setting. Also, I need a new vet because my last one is an asshole who said things like “stop putting your cat in the dryer” but it’s like “hey I don’t tell you how to stick needles in dogs’ asses so don’t tell me how to clean stuff in my house!” He’s the asshole, right?

    • Meg

      Wow, your vet is a total asshole. I say…get a new vet and get a new dryer!! 

      • Marla

        u guyz r crazy i’ll answer this dont worry

  • Melanie

    Hi Marla, 

    First, I’d like to say that I LOVE your advice. I was laughing out loud constantly.. So here’s my question:

    I spilled red wine on my carpet………How can I get the stain out?

    Thanks so much!!!!

    Melanie

  • Bugged-out

    Dear Marla,
    I am having a centipede problem in my house.  Can you tell me how to get rid of them?

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