Slacktory

Steve Jobs don't fuck with that

Since you guys loved the bro-speak version of the Facebook Terms of Service — apparently it was easier to read than the original — we did the same to Apple’s iTunes click-through agreement. There is, no joke, a part about running a nuclear power plant on iTunes.

ENGLISH

APPLE INC.

SOFTWARE LICENSE AGREEMENT FOR iTUNES

HEY. HEY YOU. WE KNOW YOU WANT TO JUST CLICK THROUGH AND GET ITUNES INSTALLED SO YOU CAN LISTEN TO MUSIC AND SHIT, AND REALLY, WHO CAN BLAME YOU? IT’S REALLY EXCELLENT, AND WE WOULDN’T WANT TO WAIT EITHER. YOU’VE MADE A FANTASTIC CHOICE IN SOFTWARE, BUT YOU REALLY SHOULD READ THIS. WHY? BECAUSE YOU’RE AGREEING TO BE BOUND BY THESE RULES. DON’T YOU THINK YOU SHOULD KNOW WHAT RULES YOU’RE GOING TO HAVE TO FOLLOW? I WOULD SURE WANT TO KNOW THE RULES. BECAUSE THESE RULES ARE KIND OF FUCKING RIDICULOUS. IF YOU DON’T LIKE THE RULES, JUST DON’T USE THE THING. WE’LL JUST GIVE YOU A REFUND IF YOU TAKE IT BACK TO WHEREVER YOU BOUGHT IT, OR ELSE JUST DECLINE IF YOU DOWNLOADED IT.  BUT YOU’D HAVE TO READ THE RULES FIRST. SO. GET ON THAT.

ALSO, IMPORTANT THING: We’ve created this really cool social network called Ping, you’ve probably heard of it, it’s way cooler than Google or whatever, and if you decide to use it, iTunes is going to send us some data about what you listen to so we can send you sweet recommendations and whatnot. So if you use Ping, just know we’re going to get some info and you should just deal with that. And look, we’re not going to judge you or anything, so we don’t care if you’re a dude with the Glee soundtrack, we’re just going to recommend more Glee; this is a safe space. If you don’t want us to know what you listen to, though, just make sure you don’t use Ping.

OH SHIT ONE MORE REALLY IMPORTANT THING: This software has the power to copy things. That’s right: you put a thing in, this software can output two of that thing. That part above where we get to decide what you can and can’t do with this program? Yeah, this is the sort of thing we mean: you can only copy shit that no one has copyrighted, or you own the copyright for, or else things that either the copyright-holder or the law lets you copy. Don’t go copying shit you’re not allowed to copy. Also, because we live in the future, you can use this thing to listen to music saved on other computers, remotely. That means through the air, as if by magic, but really by science! When you access that music, make sure you’re not doing any illegal shit with it. If you’re not sure if you’re allowed to listen to or copy that music, don’t ask us – ask your lawyer. Are we seriously recommending you get a lawyer to decide if you can listen to your neighbor’s shower playlist? You bet your ass we are.

 

1. General

Out of the goodness of our hearts, we, Apple Inc., are letting you use this software. It comes with some other stuff, too, like guides on how to use it and some sweet-ass fonts we use because we’re cutting-edge and hip and our words shouldn’t look like other companies’ words. We’re letting you use that stuff too, but not giving it to you, and we’re only letting you use it exactly as we lay out in this agreement. So if at any point you think, “Hey, I’d like to do this thing with the software, but the rules don’t really say I can do that thing. But I should be able to do it, right?” then go back and reread this part, because you fucked up. Don’t do that fucking thing. After all, we’re just giving you the rights that we have the rights to give you, either because we own the intellectual property, or someone else has let us decide what to do with their intellectual property. Even we have to respect property rights. Obviously the computer (or whatever this software is installed or kept on) is yours; we’re not trying to take that away from you. Yet. The hard drive is yours; certain 0s and 1s written on it belong to us.

Sometimes we’ll upgrade your shit, because we’re nice guys. The upgrade also falls under this license, unless of course we give you another license to read and agree to, and then that new license will take over. Obviously we wouldn’t make you read a whole new license and then be like, “old one still counts!” That would just be cruel.

 

2. Permitted License Uses and Restrictions (Or: Here’s the shit you can and can’t do)

A. Obviously you can install and use the software – otherwise this would be the shortest license ever. “You may not use this thing.” Done. No, it’s cool, install iTunes. And use it! You can use its magical copying powers, as long as you’re allowed to copy whatever you’re copying – maybe you own it, or maybe whoever owns it is letting you copy it, or maybe you’re copying it for some reason the government says is cool and you don’t need permission. Or maybe some dead guy wrote it ages ago and no one owns it. Whatever, we don’t give a fuck. The point is, make sure you’re allowed to copy whatever you’re copying. Don’t put iTunes on some network where you can use it on a bunch of computers at the same time. We’re not trying to have a whole dorm full of bros sharing one big Library; that would be way too convenient for you as a consumer. How would we rip you all off individually if you’re just getting ripped off collectively? Exactly.

Now, if you want to backup iTunes for some reason, that’s cool – as long as it includes all this boring legal shit too, and as long as it’s only one backup. You don’t need two backups of this. After all, how bad could it be? If shit’s so bad that your original and your backup are corrupted, and you can’t get back online to download iTunes, you’ve probably been dead for a week anyways.

Unless we tell you that it’s okay, or some back-asswards laws in your country let you, don’t go fucking with the code for this program. Don’t be copying it, or trying to work backwards to it, or taking it apart and changing it and adding on to it. Just, don’t mess with our code, got it? Uh, except for the part later where we say you can mess with our code. But only some code. Just… you’ll see.

WHEN WE MADE THIS, WE DIDN’T THINK PEOPLE WOULD BE USING IT TO OPERATE NUCLEAR FACILITIES, OR ELSE FLY AIRPLANES OR TALK TO THEM OR GUIDE THEM THROUGH THE AIR, OR KEEP PEOPLE ALIVE, OR REALLY ANYTHING WHERE IF ITUNES CRASHED, PEOPLE COULD DIE OR GET HURT OR THE ENVIRONMENT COULD GET FUCKED. MAYBE URANIUM FISSIONS FASTER WHEN MARVIN GAYE IS PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND, I KNOW I ALWAYS LISTEN TO HIM WHEN I SPEND MY FUEL ROD IF YOU KNOW WHAT I’M SAYING, BUT DON’T USE THIS SHIT TO PLAY IT BECAUSE IF THERE ARE BLACKOUTS IN FRANCE IT’S NOT ON US. OR MAYBE YOU DON’T KNOW HOW TO GET TO NEW YORK IN AN AIRPLANE WELL DON’T BE LISTENING TO FRANK SINATRA WHILE YOU’RE FLYING TO GET THERE, BECAUSE IF YOU END UP IN SIBERIA IT’S NOT OUR PROBLEM. IF YOUR GRANDMOTHER’S HEARTBEAT HAS TO BE TO SOME KANYE TUNE FOR SOME WEIRD REASON, DON’T BE HOOKING HER UP TO ITUNES TO PLAY THAT SONG, BECAUSE WE’RE NOT RESPONSIBLE IF SOMETHING GOES WRONG AND SHE ACCIDENTALLY DIES BECAUSE NICKELBACK STARTED PLAYING THAT’S YOUR OWN FAULT FOR HAVING NICKELBACK ON YOUR ITUNES WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT TO YOUR DYING GRANDMOTHER OR ANYONE YOU CARED ABOUT OR REALLY EVEN YOUR WORST ENEMY I MEAN COME ON IT’S NICKELBACK FOR FUCKSSAKE YOU MONSTER WHO DESERVES THAT.

B. VoiceOver Kit – Automatic Update

Hey, one of the cool things this software can do, other than magically copy things, is talk. Well, this program doesn’t talk, but it makes your iPod talk. When you’re using the magic talking features, every once in a while iTunes will check with us to see if there are any new rules for how to say things; we don’t exactly have it down yet, and sometimes your iPod will call a band something dumb because the band picked a dumb name that’s hard to say. Who the fuck spells ‘Gorillaz’ with a ‘z’??  But, you know, since we’re awesome we’re constantly working around other people’s bullshit, so if an update on pronunciation is available, iTunes will download it and install those rules on your iPod so that your iPod stops sounding like a robot from a 60s sci-fi movie and starts getting it right. And then, we’re going to delete the dumb fucking pronunciations we had to fix, so don’t think you can just go back and make fun of iPod whenever you want. Oh yes, it’s learning. It won’t change any of the actual songs; it’ll just pronounce them better, so everyone wins.

C. Open Source

Open Source is the hot new thing, right? Right. So we’ve made some parts of iTunes open source, and you can play around with those to your heart’s content. GO CRAZY! There’s nothing we love more than letting you do our jobs for us, as long as whatever you make only gets used on one computer, and you don’t break any of these other rules when you’re playing around in there. Incidentally, if you break your shit playing around with our code, we can’t help you. You’re on your own there, bro.

 

3. Transfer

Don’t give your copy of this software out temporarily. Definitely don’t rent it out or try to make money or whatever. Are you insane? You can transfer your copy, but only once, and you have to transfer the whole thing at once, and delete all your backups. So don’t think you can take the program to some sort of digital chop shop for parts and give it out piece by piece. All or nothing, asshole. And make sure whoever gets it agrees to these rules, because now he’s stuck with them, too.

 

4. Consent to Use of Data

We might collect some data from you. Don’t panic! We just want to know what kind of computer you have, how fast it can run, what things you plug into your computer, what OS you’re running, what programs you have installed, what exactly you’re doing on it, where you are at all times, stuff like that. You know, the basics. It’s so we can get you software updates more easily! Obviously, we don’t want to send you an update that breaks your mouse, do we? Plus, this way we can fix shit if it breaks. Besides, when we gather the information to make things easier for you, we’ll make sure it doesn’t personally identify you. We might also gather it to make sure you’re following these rules, and we can’t promise it won’t be used to identify you personally if we’re collecting it for that reason. But if you’re not doing anything we don’t want you to do, you have nothing to fear! You look nervous. You’re not doing anything we don’t want you to do, are you?

 

5. iTunes Store and other Services

iTunes lets you get to the iTunes Store, which lets you buy shit from us to download, and a bunch of other stuff we call “Services”. If you want to use the Services, you have to be able to connect to the Internet, and for some of the Services, we have even more rules. Don’t worry – if you try to use those Services, we’ll tell you what the rules are. We’re all about telling you what you can and can’t do, man. We wouldn’t miss a golden fucking opportunity like that.

Also, if you use iTunes to connect to an iTunes Store account, which you’ll need to buy any of the sweet shit we have on offer in the iTunes Store, you agree to the latest iTunes Store Terms of Service, too. Those are on the homepage of the Store, and we’ll show you them when you sign up. So, I guess I’m not sure why we’re telling you about it here, since you’ll have to agree like a dozen more times. THE POINT IS. Yeah. Plenty of rules to go around.

I’m not going to lie – by using the, uh, “Services”, you might come across some offensive shit. At the very least, you might find some shit that offends you. We try to label the stuff with bad words, but if you’re some humorless Puritan easily offended by other people’s bullshit, well, consider yourself the fuck on notice – it gets nasty in here, and you’re on your own. We are not going to be liable for your hurt feelings or personal mortification – we try to describe genres and subgenres and Podcast categories and whatnot, and that makes it convenient for you, but we can’t guarantee they’re 100% accurate, because we’re not your fucking babysitter and that’s just not our job.

Also, some of the Services will include shit we didn’t put there, and some links will take you to websites that aren’t ours. Whatever that shit is, wherever those links take you, don’t blame us. We didn’t check them out, we’ve got better things to do. And if you decide to use someone else’s website or content or whatever, and it goes terribly wrong, how could that possibly be our fault? Sure, maybe you found them using a thing we made, but we just made it so things are more convenient for you. So, uh, excuse us for making your life simpler, but don’t you put your fuck-ups on us. Also, if you do end up using other people’s stuff, don’t violate their rights in doing so. Certainly, if you do violate their rights by stealing their shit or copying it unfairly or whatever it is you criminals do, we’re not the ones violating rights here, don’t point at us and be like, “Apple let me do it!” Because we’ll be like, “Are you serious? We told you not to steal shit. Why would you then go and steal shit?”

Some of the Services have some pictures and some sounds, and maybe even some words – any kind of content, really – that either we own or a guy we know owns it and lets us use it, and that stuff is protected by all the laws it can be protected by, we’ve got it copyrighted and whatever else we can use to lock it down, so don’t use that stuff in any way whatsoever except the way we let you use it to make the Services work. Don’t copy any of the Services, period, end of story. Don’t fuck with the Services, don’t sell the Services, don’t give away the Services, don’t make art based on the Services, you know, just leave the Services the fuck alone. And don’t try to be clever by using the Services in sneaky ways, like to break into shit or to clog the tubes. Just stick to what they’re there for, okay?

We can change or take away or block the Services whenever the hell we feel like it, for any reason whatsoever; so can our friends who let us use their stuff to make our stuff work. Whatever, if you don’t like it, suck it. We can do whatever we want to the Services, we can let whoever we want use them and keep out anybody we don’t like without telling you, just deal with it. They’re our Services, and don’t you forget it.

 

6. Termination

These rules are effective until they’re terminated, which is just an overly dramatic term for “are made no longer effective.” So, yeah, these rules are effective until they’re not effective. Go figure. How will the rules be terminated? Well, a bunch of ways. For example, if you break any of the rules, you lose all the privileges in here, forever, without notice. When this License gets terminated, you have to stop using iTunes. Actually, you have to destroy all copies of it, everywhere, no matter what the cost is. [N.B. The original reads, “Upon the termination of this License, you shall cease all use of the Apple Software and destroy all copies, full or partial, of the Apple Software” which is poorly worded, and I think does in fact commit you to hunting down all copies of iTunes everywhere and destroying them if the License somehow terminates, which is a bad thing you should NOT DO. Hey, Apple, need a crack legal mind to check your documents so that you’re not creating an army of legally obligated, bloodthirsty iTunes hunters? E-mail me. I’m sure my rates are better than whosever dropped the ball on this one.  –ML] “But Apple, if you don’t tell me, how will I know when I’m not allowed to use iTunes anymore?” HAHAHA. Puny human. Maybe you won’t know – your rights have been terminated. So, let’s just hope you don’t accidentally break the rules and then go on using something you’re not allowed to use, without any reason to suspect you’re not allowed to use it. That should be enough, hmm?

 

7. Limited Warranty on Media

We promise that however we get iTunes to you – maybe we send it on a CD, maybe there’s a file you download, whatever – it won’t be broken or poorly assembled and it won’t break for at least 90 days. If it breaks in the first 90 days, and as long as you were using it normally, the way you’re supposed to use it, just bring it back to us with the receipt and we’ll either give you your money back or replace it, whichever one we feel like. Now, if you were using a CD as a fucking Frisbee and it shattered, don’t be all like, “Hey Apple, this CD broke. Can you make it all better?” The answer is yes we totally can, but we’re not going to.

THIS PROMISE TO FIX SHIT IF IT’S BROKEN AND ANY OTHER IMPLIED PROMISES LIKE THE PROMISE THAT THIS THING REALLY IS THE WAY WE SAY IT IS, OR THAT YOU’LL BE COOL WITH THE QUALITY OF THE PRODUCT, OR THAT THE PRODUCT REALLY CAN DO SOME PARTICULAR THING, ONLY LAST NINETY (90) DAYS FROM WHEN YOU FIRST BUY IT. IT’S POSSIBLE THAT WHERE YOU LIVE, WE’RE NOT ALLOWED TO LIMIT HOW LONG THOSE PROMISES LAST, WHICH IS STUPID BUT THERE IT IS, THE ABOVE WARNING WE JUST YELLED MIGHT NOT APPLY TO YOU, SO EVEN THOUGH WE YELLED IT AT YOU AND EVERYTHING, YOU SHOULD DISREGARD IT. UH, OKAY. GOOD. GOOD TALK. OH! ANOTHER THING: THIS IS THE ONLY PROMISE WE MAKE ABOUT THE PRODUCT, SO IF THERE ARE ANY OTHER PROMISES OR WARRANTIES WRITTEN DOWN SOMEWHERE ELSE OR MAYBE ON THE BOX, THEY DON’T COUNT. THIS IS THE ONE THAT COUNTS. WE PROBABLY SHOUTED THOSE WARRANTIES AT YOU, TOO, BUT YEAH. IGNORE THEM. BUT DON’T IGNORE THIS ONE, SINCE IT GIVES YOU SPECIFIC RIGHTS YOU MAY WANT TO USE, AND YOU MAY ALSO HAVE OTHER RIGHTS DEPENDING ON WHERE YOU LIVE, AND IF YOU IGNORE THIS, YOU’LL MISS THOSE. UNLESS IT DOESN’T APPLY TO YOU, THEN YOU REALLY SHOULD IGNORE IT. BUT WE ALREADY TALKED ABOUT THAT EARLIER, SO DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT. THAT… THAT HASN’T CHANGED. JUST KEEP IGNORING THE SHOUTING IF YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO IGNORE THE SHOUTING. YOU’RE IGNORING IT, RIGHT? NO, THAT WAS A TRICK, YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO RESPOND, YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO IGNORE THIS PART. OKAY. GOOD. WE’LL STOP YELLING NOW.

 

8. Disclaimer of Warranties

PSYCHE JUST KIDDING WE’RE BACK, BITCHES, AND WE’RE STILL SHOUTING. SO, BY USING THE PROGRAM YOU DEFINITELY ACKNOWLEDGE AND AGREE THAT USE OF ITUNES AND THE SERVICES IS AT YOUR OWN RISK, NOT ON US. WHEN I SAY YOU DEFINITELY ACKNOWLEDGE, I MEAN USING THIS PROGRAM IS BASICALLY THE SAME AS SAYING TO US, IN WRITING, “YUP I GOT IT, NO WORRIES.” SO IF YOU TRY TO SUE US, WE’LL BE LIKE, “YOUR HONOR, HE DIDN’T JUST LISTEN TO US. HE TOLD US HE UNDERSTOOD. RIGHT HERE.” AND YOU’LL BE FUCKED. SO DON’T SUE US. YOU’RE TAKING SOME RISKS, LIKE THE RISKS THAT ITUNES MIGHT NOT LIVE UP TO YOUR EXPECTATIONS OR THAT IT WON’T WORK OR THAT IT WON’T GET THINGS RIGHT OR TRY HARD ENOUGH TO DO ITS JOB OR SOLVE YOUR PROBLEMS, AND JUST SO YOU KNOW, YOU’RE THE ONLY ONE TAKING THOSE RISKS. WE’RE NOT TAKING THEM WITH YOU. YOU’RE JUMPING ON YOUR OWN HERE.

EXCEPT THE PART ABOVE WHERE WE PROMISE TO FIX YOUR BROKEN SHIT – WELL, I GUESS IT’S OUR BROKEN SHIT SINCE YOU DON’T ACTUALLY OWN YOUR COPY OF ITUNES – ANYWAYS, WE’RE GIVING YOU THIS PROGRAM AND THESE SERVICES JUST AS THEY ARE, FAULTS AND EVERYTHING, AND WE’RE NOT PROMISING YOU ANYTHING EXCEPT WHAT WE’VE ALREADY PROMISED AND THE BULLSHIT THAT LEGALLY WE HAVE TO PROMISE YOU ANYWAYS. ALL OF US, APPLE AND ALL OUR FRIENDS WHO LET US USE THEIR STUFF TO MAKE OUR STUFF WORK, “US”, WE ALL DISCLAIM ANY PROMISES OR CONDITIONS OR ANYTHING BINDING ON US AT ALL WHEN IT COMES TO THE SOFTWARE OR THE SERVICES, NO MATTER HOW YOU THINK THAT PROMISE WAS MADE. OR MAYBE LEGALLY WE AUTOMATICALLY MAKE A PROMISE, OR MAYBE JUST BY GIVING YOU THIS PROGRAM WE IMPLY A PROMISE BUT DON’T ACTUALLY SAY IT, WELL THOSE PROMISES DON’T COUNT. THIS INCLUDES THE PROMISE THAT THE SOFTWARE IS THE WAY WE SAY IT IS, OR THAT IT’S GOOD QUALITY SOFTWARE, OR THAT YOU CAN USE IT FOR A PARTICULAR THING, OR THAT IT DOES WHAT IT DOES WELL OR ACCURATELY, OR ANY PROMISE THAT YOU CAN USE IT WITHOUT BEING BOTHERED OR ANNOYED, OR THE PROMISE THAT IT WON’T INFRINGE ON THIRD-PARTY RIGHTS. IF YOUR NEIGHBOR IS USING HIS ITUNES TO PISS YOU OFF OR TO STEAL YOUR SHIT, THAT IS NOT OUR PROBLEM AND WE AREN’T RESPONSIBLE, TAKE HIS ASS TO COURT ON YOUR OWN.

WE ALSO DON’T PROMISE THAT NOTHING WILL INTERFERE WITH YOU ENJOYING THIS SOFTWARE – NOT THAT YOU SHOULDN’T ENJOY THE SOFTWARE, IT’S GREAT, BUT IF SOMETHING IS SOMEHOW PREVENTING YOU FROM ENJOYING IT, WELL, ISN’T THAT TOO BAD. WE ALSO DON’T PROMISE THAT EVERYTHING THIS BAD BOY DOES WILL MEET YOUR RIDICULOUSLY HIGH STANDARD FOR SOFTWARE. IT MET STEVE JOBS’ STANDARD, AND IF YOUR STANDARDS ARE HIGHER THAN HIS WELL FUCK YOU. ALSO, WE DON’T GUARANTEE THAT YOU CAN WORK THIS SOFTWARE UNINTERRUPTED OR WITHOUT ERRORS – SOMETIMES SHIT HAPPENS, AND MAYBE THERE’S A BUG. WE CAN’T SAY FOR SURE. WE ALSO CAN’T PROMISE THAT IF YOU FIND A BUG, WE’LL FIX IT. WE DON’T GIVE TWO SHITS ABOUT WHAT OUR GENIUS PROMISED YOU IN THE STORE OR WHAT ANYONE ELSE SAID, IT’S NOT BINDING AS A WARRANTY; IF THE SOFTWARE OR SERVICES ARE SOMEHOW BROKEN OR DEFECTIVE, YOU GET TO PAY THE ENTIRE COST OF THE REPAIRS OR CORRECTIONS OR WHATEVER WE HAVE TO DO TO FIX YOUR THING. SOME PLACES DON’T LET US GET AWAY WITH THE SORT OF BULLSHIT WE’RE TRYING TO PULL HERE, SO WE CAN’T WAIVE YOUR RIGHTS JUST BY SAYING THAT, AND IF YOU LIVE IN ONE OF THOSE PLACES, JUST IGNORE THE PARAGRAPH ABOVE. I KNOW, I KNOW. YOU’VE READ THE WHOLE THING, AND WE’RE JUST NOW TELLING YOU TO IGNORE IT. WELL, IF IT’S ANY CONSOLATION, MAYBE CHECK WITH A LAWYER BEFORE YOU ACTUALLY IGNORE IT.

 

9. Limitation of Liability

WE ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR AS MUCH SHIT AS THE LAW LETS US BE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR. THAT MEANS IF YOU SOMEHOW GET INJURED WHILE USING ITUNES, OR YOU LOSE PROFITS BECAUSE OUR BADASS SERVICES MAKE YOUR EMPLOYEES LESS PRODUCTIVE OR, I DON’T KNOW, SOMEHOW YOU LOSE MONEY BECAUSE OF US, OR MAYBE SOME BUG DELETED MILLIONS OF DOLLARS’ WORTH OF IMPORTANT FILES, WHATEVER, BECAUSE YOU WERE USING ITUNES OR ELSE COULDN’T USE ITUNES IN THE WAY YOU WANTED, WE ARE NOT PAYING YOU A SINGLE GODDAMN CENT THAT THE LAW DOESN’T FORCE US TO PAY. THAT’S EVEN IF WE KNEW THAT SOMEHOW YOUR SHIT COULD GET FUCKED UP BECAUSE OF SOMETHING WE DID OR DIDN’T DO. AGAIN, SOME PLACES DON’T LET US PULL OFF THIS SORT OF RESPONSIBILITY DODGE, EVEN THOUGH WE YELLED IT AND EVERYTHING, SO CHECK AND SEE. THE POINT IS, WE’RE NOT ANY MORE LIABLE THAN WE ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO BE.

No matter what, though (except where personal injury law says otherwise, stupid law), the total damages we can possibly owe you won’t be more than fifty dollars ($50.00), and that’s the case even when we’re not allowed to swear off all liability. So, I hope your legal fees are less than $50. Good luck with that.

 

10. Export Control

Don’t take iTunes outside of the country, unless you’re legally allowed to do so. You should especially not take it anywhere we’ve embargoed, so if your grandmother in Cuba wants to listen to Buena Vista Social Club, she’ll have to use a different player, because we’re not fucking around with that. Also, don’t give it to any of the assholes on the U.S. Treasury Department’s list of Specially Designated Nationals or the U.S. Department of Commerce Denied Persons List or Entity List. If you use the program, we’re going to assume you’re not behind a US embargo or on those lists, because if you were, you wouldn’t be allowed to use iTunes. Got it? Good.

Also, and this is fucking key, don’t use iTunes for anything that’s illegal in America. What might that be? Well, for starters, don’t go using it to design or produce missiles, or any sort of nuclear, chemical or biological weapon. It’s bad enough that you can play Nickelback with this program. I don’t give a fuck if the virus you’ve engineered only responds to Lady Gaga’s music, find some other program to play it. And if you thought you could jam out to some Kings of Leon while you built a nuclear weapon, well, think again asshole.

 

11. Government End Users

Yeah, um, we know you guys have special rules and all about what you can and can’t use. Just so you know, the Apple Software and related documentation are “Commercial Items”, as that term is defined at 48 C.F.R. §2.101, consisting of “Commercial Computer Software” and “Commercial Computer Software Documentation”, as such terms are used in 48 C.F.R. §12.212 or 48 C.F.R. §227.7202, as applicable.

Consistent with 48 C.F.R. §12.212 or 48 C.F.R. §227.7202-1 through 227.7202-4, as applicable, we’re letting you guys use this stuff (a) only as Commercial Items and (b) with only the same rights given to everyone else. Any rights we haven’t published, we keep.

 

12. Controlling Laws and Severability

Since we work in California, and we know the laws here better than you, if you have a problem, you’ll have to take it up with the laws in California. We don’t care what your backward state has to say about contracts. We certainly don’t give any fucks at all about what the UN has to say, and the United Nations Convention on Contracts for the International Sale of Goods can go fuck itself.

If for some reason, some court decides that part of this license is “unenforceable” or some bullshit, and that court actually has the power to decide that, then fine, whatever, but the rest of it still applies. Just that one part gets cut out.

 

13. Complete Agreement; Governing Language

This is it; this is the only deal we have. If we have any other deals, or had any other deals, fuck ‘em, this replaces them, it doesn’t add on to them. Well, not all of them. Maybe there are some more rules you agreed to in order to use the online store. Those still count.

No changes to this agreement will count unless they are in writing and we fucking sign them. And maybe you’re not reading this in English – that really sucks, because it’s the only language that really matters in California, so, good luck with that.

 

14. Third Party Notices

A. iTunes uses some programs or software that isn’t iTunes, or that we didn’t make. Don’t tell Steve, he doesn’t know we don’t do everything ourselves. Below, we’re going to go through the rules they want you to follow, since we love giving you rules. Seriously, I can’t tell you how excited we were when they were like, “can we have rules too?” It was really exciting.

B. Use of MPEG-4

iTunes can, among other sweet shit, encode things into MPEG-4 format, except if you’re going to encode stuff that you only paid for in another format, you’ll have to pay more in royalties and get permission and all the stuff we should have done but decided not to do from the people who run MPEG LA, LLC. So, if you’re not supposed to convert files into MPEG-4, don’t yeah, we made a program that can convert files, and we’re telling you not to use it unless you’re fucking positive you’re allowed to. Why? Because.

Oh, but you can totally encode your own stuff into MPEG-4. Yeah, home movies of your kids in a bath? Sure, go to town, I’m sure your friends love seeing that.  And if your friends send you videos of their kids in bathtubs, you can definitely use this to play those movies. I just mean, don’t go converting stuff you’d have to pay for into MPEG-4 unless you paid for it in MPEG-4.

C. H.264/AVC Notice

Also, you can work with AVC  and H.264 encoding. We told you iTunes is incredible, didn’t we? But look, if you want to use iTunes to make money using that function, you need some more permissions that we can’t just straight-up give you. You have to buy them. ITUNES CAN WORK WITH AVC BUT YOU CAN ONLY USE IT TO EITHER ENCODE YOUR OWN FILES INTO AVC AND NOT SELL THEM, OR DECODE FILES IN AVC FORMAT, AS LONG AS WHOEVER GAVE THOSE FILES TO YOU ALSO WASN’T USING AVC TO MAKE MONEY OR AT LEAST HAD OUR PERMISSION TO MAKE MONEY. OTHERWISE JUST DON’T USE IT.

 

15. Third Party Software and Service Terms and Conditions

A. Gracenote EULA

Okay, so iTunes contains some software from some other people – like Gracenote, Inc. of Emeryville, California – and they have their own rules. Gracenote lets iTunes identify whatever CD or file you put in it, and fill it out with a whole bunch of useful shit like name, artist, title information, info like that that it pulls from online servers. Also, it does some other stuff. You can use this information, but only to help you use iTunes, because who doesn’t want an organized iTunes? Just don’t be using it to win trivia contests or sell CDs with updated info; you can only use it for your own personal use, not to make money or anything.

Also, you can’t give that information to any third party. I know it seems like you should be able to relay song information and shit to your friends, and maybe there’s an exception somewhere that allows you, but we don’t want you passing this shit out like fliers in a parking lot.

YOU DEFINITELY CANNOT EXPLOIT THE INFORMATION WE GIVE YOU, OR THE SOFTWARE ITSELF, OR THE SERVERS WE KEEP THE INFO ON, EXCEPT IN THE WAY WE LAY OUT IN HERE.

You’re not the only one using these servers to get information, either, so don’t think we’re exclusive. You do not have a “hookup” to get song names, so don’t be telling your bros you “know a guy”. You just get to use a service, and if you fuck up and violate these restrictions, you won’t even have that. If we have to take away your right to use the service, you have to stop using Gracenote, stop accessing the servers, and stop making use of the information. Does that mean you have to delete all the song info we’ve already given you? Maybe. You can submit song info to us too, which is awesome because it means you’re actually doing our job for us, so we’re going to go on break if that’s cool, but that doesn’t mean we’ll pay you. Yeah, that’s not going to happen. Also, I know you’re agreeing to an iTunes agreement and everything with Apple, but if you violate these rules, Gracenote totally has the power to come after you on its own.

Also, Gracenote uses a unique identifier, so technically it can pick you out of a crowd. But don’t worry! It’s for statistical purposes, and it’s just a randomly assigned number so we can count some things without actually knowing who you are. So, even though it can pick you out of a crowd, it can’t tell anything else about you, except that you are not, in fact, the crowd. If you have more questions, check out the Gracenote Privacy Policy somewhere on the interwebs.

We’re letting you use the Gracenote program and the information it gives you, but don’t complain if it’s got problems. We’re giving it to you, and you can just fucking deal with the way it is. We can’t promise anything at all about how accurate or complete the information in the servers is, so if we accidentally label your extensive Mozart collection as the Sublime discography, well, that sucks, oh well. We can delete data or move it around however we want, for whatever reason we want, so don’t get mad if all of a sudden you can’t find the information for your favorite CD of pan flute music. We got rid of it and it’s time to move on.

We also can’t promise that there are no bugs in here, or that the servers will always be up. Shit happens. Also, maybe we’ll come up with better information in the future, but it’s not like, even if we do, we have to give it to you. In fact, we can stop operating altogether whenever we want, for any reason, and there’s nothing you can do about it.

HE GUYS WE THINK THAT OUR PRODUCT IS PRETTY GOOD BUT WE DEFINITELY DON’T PROMISE THAT. WE CAN’T PROMISE THIS PRODUCT IS GOOD ENOUGH TO BE WORTH SELLING OR THAT IT’LL DO ANY PARTICULAR THING, OR THAT WE DEFINITELY OWN IT, OR THAT IN USING IT YOU WON’T INFRINGE ON SOMEONE’S RIGHTS AFTER ALL WE’RE GIVING YOU SONG INFORMATION FROM A GIANT DATABASE YOU KNOW HOW THE RIAA IS AND WE WISH WE COULD HAVE YOUR BACK BUT THOSE MOTHERFUCKERS ARE LIKE WOLVES AND FRANKLY WE CAN’T AFFORD IT. SO, LETS JUST HOPE FOR THE BEST AND THAT’S PROBABLY ENOUGH. OH ALSO WE CAN’T PROMISE THAT USING THIS PROGRAM YOU’LL ACTUALLY GET ANY RESULTS LIKE MAYBE IT’LL JUST RETURN “SORRY WE CAN’T FIND ANYTHING” EVERY SINGLE TIME, OR MAYBE THE RESULTS WILL ALWAYS BE WRONG BUT WE’RE NOT LIABLE IF THAT HAPPENS. IF SOMEHOW YOU ARE RELYING ON GRACENOTE TO MAKE MONEY OR SOMETHING THAT’S DUMB BECAUSE IF IT STOPS WORKING DON’T COME KNOCKING ON OUR DOOR LOOKING FOR THE PROFITS OR REVENUE YOU LOST BECAUSE THAT’S NOT ON US.

B. Kerbango Tuning Service Terms and Conditions

Terms of Service:

So, 3Com makes this sweet tuning service called Kerbango that you’ve probably never heard of, but it lets you stream internet radio to your computer, and if you use it, you have to stick to some more rules. Always more rules, right?

[N.B. Okay. It turns out that Kerbango is pretty much defunct, and someone else, either Apple or some different third-party company, runs the radio service in iTunes. But for some reason, this shit is still in here, and you’re agreeing to it, so here goes. –ML]

When you use Kerbango, we’re going to point you to some websites and some stations that we think you’ll think are sweet, but they’re not our websites, we can’t change shit on them, and whatever is on them is on the owner, not us. We’re just showing you shit we think you’d like, you’d think you’d be a bit more grateful. This is a service for you to use to enjoy yourself, not some flea market for you to sell shit or try to get more people to your website so you can sell more ads, so don’t be using Kerbango for business; everyone hates that guy. Also, we work hard to make great search results, so don’t be taking them and putting them up on your own site. Then we don’t get ad revenue for our hard work, which fucking sucks, y’know? So don’t copy or reformat or mirror our shit. Leave it ours. Also, don’t be automating searches, taking advantage of our superb organization, unless you check with us first to see if it’s cool. We just like to know what people are doing with what we’ve put together.

I’m not saying we can’t work something out; that would be ridiculous! I mean, you like money, right? Us too! We love it! So, you know, if you want to use our service for business, just ask. We hate it when people don’t ask. And by ‘ask’ we of course mean ‘offer to pay us’.

Hey, maybe we’ll make some changes, and maybe we’ll drop off the face of the fucking planet on you, and it’s going to be totally okay if we do that. Also, we might change the rules of you using our shit. You’d think we have to let you know when something like that happens; you’d be wrong.

Just like those motherfuckers above, we don’t actually give a shit if whatever results we give you are accurate, or complete, or reliable; we actually can’t promise they’re legal, much less working. Maybe the information out there will change over time, or maybe the way we find it will change, or who knows? No matter what, though, don’t expect us to hold on to the same information all the time, or always have the same shit readily available. If we delete some shit or are a little slow or can’t find what you’re looking for, you should probably do what you can to get the fuck over it.

Also, if somehow you manage to get hurt because you used our service to access some shit on the internet somewhere, that’s… we don’t even know how that could have happened, honestly. What the fuck did you do? Because that’s definitely not our fault.

AND NOW FOR THE YELLING YOU HAD TO KNOW WAS COMING. ALL THE SHIT THOSE ASSHOLES ALREADY YELLED ABOUT HOW WE GIVE THIS TO YOU AS IT IS AND YOU CAN DEAL WITH IT, WELL SAME THING FOR US, AND WE GUARANTEE NOTHING AT ALL. WE DON’T PROMISE THIS SHIT IS EVEN FIT TO BE SOLD (BUT HERE WE ARE SELLING IT), THAT IT DOES ANYTHING AT ALL, OR THAT YOU WON’T INFRINGE ON SOMEONE ELSE’S RIGHTS BY USING IT, AND IF YOU DO MANAGE TO INFRINGE DON’T LOOK AT US YOU’RE ON YOUR OWN. THIS SHIT MIGHT NOT WORK RIGHT AND IF IT DOES THEN IT MIGHT NOT BE SECURE AND IF IT IS THEN IT MIGHT NOT BE FAST AND IF IT IS THEN IT MIGHT NOT WORK ALL THE TIME. HERE’S A LIST OF SHIT THAT’S NOT OUR FAULT AND WE HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH: IF YOU FIND SOME ADVICE SOMEWHERE, LIKE MAYBE SOME GUY ON THE RADIO RECOMMENDS YOU TRY FIXING YOUR ELECTRIC WIRING WITH A FORK OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT WE’RE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY DUMB SHIT YOU DO AS A RESULT. ALSO IF SOMEONE SELLS YOU SOMETHING ON THE RADIO WHILE YOU WERE USING KERBANGO AND YOU END UP BUYING A PIECE OF SHIT BECAUSE WHO THE FUCK SHOPS ON THE RADIO AND IT BREAKS, NOT OUR PROBLEM.

IF YOU’RE DOWNLOADING FILES OR STREAMING OR WHATEVER USING KERBANGO, YOU’RE ON YOUR OWN, WE DON’T HAVE TIME TO CHECK EVERY FILE ON THE GODDAMN INTERNET FOR YOU, AND IF YOUR COMPUTER BREAKS HAVE FUN FIXING IT OR WORKING OVERTIME TO PAY SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE YOU’RE NOT GETTING A CENT OUT OF US FOR IT.

OF COURSE, SOME STATES HAVE DUMB FUCKING RULES AND DON’T LET US UNPROMISE THINGS, SERIOUSLY FUCK THOSE GUYS, BECAUSE MAYBE WE HAVE TO PROMISE STUFF AFTER ALL. FINE. JUST CHECK WHAT THE RULES ARE WHEREVER YOU LIVE.

Limitation of Liability

WE’RE NOT LIABLE IF YOU FUCK UP.

WE’RE ALSO NOT LIABLE IF YOU DON’T FUCK UP.

WE’RE NOT LIABLE IF YOU USE KERBANGO AT ALL; WE’RE ALSO NOT LIABLE IF FOR SOME REASON YOU CAN’T USE KERBANGO. NO MATTER WHAT KIND OF DAMAGE GETS DONE, NO MATTER HOW KERBANGO FACTORS INTO THE CLUSTERFUCK YOU CREATE, AND NO MATTER WHY YOU THINK WE OWE YOU ANYTHING, YOU’RE WRONG. WE’RE NOT RESPONSIBLE EVEN IF KERBANGO IS THE CENTERPIECE OF THE CLUSTERFUCK, THE THING THAT HOLDS THE DISASTER TOGETHER LIKE EVEN IF KERBANGO SETS OFF A NUCLEAR DEVICE IN YOUR HOUSE IT JUST SUCKS TO BE YOU AND SORRY WE’RE NOT SORRY SO WE’RE DEFINITELY NOT RESPONSIBLE IF SOMETHING LESS DISASTROUS HAPPENS OR IF YOU GOT THE NUCLEAR WEAPON SOMEWHERE ELSE LIKE A THIRD-PARTY SITE WE SENT YOU TO. IT DOESN’T EVEN MATTER IF WE KNEW THIS CLUSTERFUCK COULD GO DOWN LIKE IF ONE OF OUR PROGRAMMERS CAME IN AND WAS LIKE, HEY GUYS WE’RE GOING TO SET OFF A NUKE IF WE’RE NOT CAREFUL, AND WE WERE LIKE, NOPE, AND THEN IT HAPPENS WE’RE STILL NOT RESPONSIBLE.

EVEN IF PART OF ALL THIS ‘FUCK YOU’ LANGUAGE DOESN’T HOLD UP IN COURT THE REST OF IT STILL DOES, JUST THAT ONE PART DOESN’T WORK. WE ARE GOING TO FUCK YOU AS MUCH AS THE LAW WILL ALLOW US. AND REMEMBER, NOT EVERY STATE LETS COMPANIES COMPLETELY FUCK ITS CITIZENS LIKE THAT SO BE SURE TO DOUBLECHECK.

Okay, yelling aside, and on the real for a second, we’re definitely not responsible for failures that happen because some crazy shit went down, like an act of nature, or if the internet stops working or the tubes get clogged, or maybe some power lines get cut, or some workers stop working in order to whine about wanting more pay, or some important shit burns down, or maybe China invades the US and cut off Kerbango because we’re the backbone of America, or God strikes down Kerbango or somehow fucks with our service, we’re not trying to fuck with omnipotence you guys, point is if some crazy shit beyond our control goes down, you know, don’t be a dick and come looking for us to fix it.

Miscellaneous Provisions

California rules, everywhere else drools, so we settle shit there, and also it doesn’t matter what anyone else has told you, this is our only and entire agreement unless you get the other thing in writing and signed by a company that technically no longer exists. Yup.

We last fucked with this: 7/12/11

Holy shit, nice job reading the whole thing! Wanna read the Bro-speak Facebook Terms of Service too?

  • http://twitter.com/raccoons Nicole Marie Rincon

    tl;dr

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  • http://www.facebook.com/tom.guyatt Tom Guyatt

    EPIC!! I haven’t laughed this hard since, well, the facebook TOS! good job broheims.
    Keep it going :)

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  • Erik Stone

    This is as awesome as the Facebook one, and full of Apple perspective, too! Loved it.

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