Slacktory

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We tried to hire a dating columnist for Slacktory, but we’re working on a budget so Marla is all we could afford.

Dear Marla,

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2 years and it’s been amazing. However, I’ve just been accepted to a veterinary program in Philadelphia, PA, which is pretty far from our home in Atlanta, GA. Working with animals has always been my dream but if I leave, I know this will be the end of us. I know he loves me but he doesn’t show me the support I need and I’m not sure I want to give up my dreams just yet.

Sincerely,

Confused, age 33
Atlanta, GA


Dear confused,

this breaks my heart i read it out loud to my cat n both of us are like WUT lol but im sorry this is tough. u have on 1 hand a good dude but on the other hand its like wut about the sick dogs n cats.  Sumtimes life throws u curve balls n this sounds like a curve ball for real. my cat Buster is the world to me n i bet ur bf would understand if he just met a cat like him i mean Buster literally gets along with EVERY1. Plus they say animals r good for company n loyalty. its pretty easy to prove. Just look at that wolf from ‘White fang’ by Stephen King or maybe it was called something else… i dont really read a lot (except the ‘Inquirer” 4 the articles).

so i guess the ?’s u have to ask urself are: 1) is ur bf as loyal as a mans best friend (usually dogs but cats in sum cases) 2) Would HE quit his dream 4 u and 3) can u be happy knowin pets r sick n dead bc ur not a vet?

1 thing u could try is telling ur bf about my cat Buster n then maybe he could see why vets important to animals to keep them healthy. Sure w/out vets theyd still be animals but theyd be STUFFED animals lmao. But srsly alive animals r much cuter trust me i know n ur bf should know 2

Love,
Marla xoxo

 

Dear Marla,

I’m pretty shy when it comes to girls and it’s hard for me to be myself. I have a huge crush on this girl in my History class but I can’t even talk to her. If she even looks at me I clam up and turn into a nervous, stammering dork! I want to break out of my shell and tell her how I feel but I don’t know how!

-Silent Crush, Age 19
Meadville, PA

Dear quiet crush,

Shells r one thing u think would be EZ to break out of but they r surprisingly durable take for example gun shells. Anyway 1st things 1st u have to ask urself y this gurl? why her? i know my last bf didnt ask himself that question bc 1 time i caught him w/another woman n he was like “u and me dated 4 yrs ago marla” and “this is my wife” thats sum bullshit

I think thats ur first step. next u should practice in front of a mirror sorta like those ppl w/talking dummies do. but make sure u move your lips cuz itd be kinda weird to ask a gurl out without moving ur lips lol she might think sumthin was up. no but srsly practicing in front of a mirror is how i learned my moves. u cant say no to urself so u dont have to worry about rejection it builds ur confidence n that is what u need (personal question: do u use deodorant? That helps w/ bein clammy n sumtimes all it takes is a quikfix like that hygiene isnt a joke trust me i should kno but we’ll stop there lol)

And last but not least (y do they always say that its like least of what? lol) be confident. U have to be confident in order to be urself or no gurl is gonna want you. how else r u gonna break outta that shell? im proud of who i am n nobody is gonna take that away from me but i mean its not like they havent tried. one time my friend cheyenne said that i should try to be more respectful towards other females but i tell it like it is n when i see bitches w/ugly haircuts. How am i supposed to just sit back n let my eyes see that. ive got no problem saying “gurl ur hair is uggggs.” sorry 4 that rant lol but its true. So break outta that shell n make sure she keeps her hair nice once u 2 hook up.

Love,
Marla xoxo

 

Dear Marla,

I’m a recently divorced single mom and I think it’s time for me to get back into the dating scene. I actually have a first date this Friday night but I’m nervous! It’s been so long since I’ve been on a first date! Do you have any “first-date” tips for me?

-Nervous, Age 47
Austin, TX

 

Dear nervous,

Gurl im glad to hear u say ur ready to date bc too many ppl take 4evs to get back out there 2 meet dudes. U came to the right place for sum dating tips mostly bc i have lots of experience lol. srsly ive been searchin for love n keep findin dudes that r wrong 4 me. but goin out on dates is one of the perks to bein single i guess. Gotta look at a glass thats half full right? Neways I made a list so pay close attn for the answers

1) wear sumthin that really shows off ur titties (sorry for usin that word) but guys like to see titties lol sorry I wont say titties again. whoops I can’t stop ROFL that was the last time i swear I mean its like how many times can she say that word ur prolly wonderin lol I usually try to keep it PG

2) when its time to eat make sure u order something substanisas – ugh im not even gonna try to spell that word lol but i think u know what I mean, dont order rabbit food n water bc guys like a girl that can EAT. So I say get the most food u can possibly get down. at least thats what I do. ive even puked on a date b4 cause i ate so much lol but try not to do that bc well lets just say I never heard from that dude again.

3) keep ur convos lite n by lite i mean not heavy. dont start talkin about that time in 9th grade u gave Thomas Woodhall a BJ n he told the whole school that u made weird animal sounds the whole time n whatnot i mean that was just a random example of something heavy but stick to light topics. Like ask about if he has siblings or if his fav color is the same as urs

4) do. not. start. cryin. i think this tip pretty much explains itself

5) the tricky part is always the end of the date like is he gonna kiss u or is he not.  Theres nothing more awkward than when u think hes gonna kiss u so u close ur eyes n pucker up but he just hugs u or in my case disappears lol. The best advice i have for this one is to make the 1st move urself. Its 2011 n women have lots of rights now so be strong n go in 4 the kiss if ur feelin it. It will almost always work out bc guys think about sex every 11sec so the chances of u kissin him during a time hes thinkin about sex r pretty good

Well there u have it thats all I got. good luck ur gonna do great. now dont go givin out my secrets lol jk u can tell sum close friends.

Love,
Marla xoxo

 

Next week, Marla will answer your questions about family. Ask something in the comments below to get advice from Marla!

  • http://twitter.com/MarcusStricklin Marcus A Stricklin

    Hilarious!

    • Marla

      no ur hilarious lol i dont actually know u but u look like a funny guy thx 4 the support id prolly fall in love w/u so good thing we never met lol

      marla xoxo

  • Cheater

    my friend’s dad cheated on his mom and he’s so depressed now. How can I help?

  • http://twitter.com/Australianimal Minty White

    I like fruit salad but not in the normal way. I like to put it in my underwears and wear it around as if i am from Germany or Switzerland or somewheres. Should i not be doing this or should i put MORE fruit in my underwear and make it “kindof a thing” My doctor says i have a “weird tropical rash” down there but screw him he’s not a real doctor, i think he’s a vet or a psyche doctor or a vaginacologist. So far your advice seems spot on so i really value you as an advicetician and/or life coach and/or human-spirit animal.

    Signed, Chipped Beef in Toast, SD

    P.S. I’m a “hermie” (hermaphrodite)

    • Marla

      there is no other way 2 like fruit salad at least not that i know of so ur doin ok

      p.s. whos hermie

      marla xoxo

  • Guest

    Marla,
    I have an enormous crush on someone I’ve never met. Let’s call her… Narla. She tells these amazing stories about her life and cats and helping others and it makes me feel as warm as fresh baked cookies inside. Not like when you eat the cookies too fast and your stomach burns, but a gentle warmer feeling. Is this love? Is it a tapeworm? Should I tell her? Please help!

    Sincerely,
    In Love And/Or Has Tapeworm from Pittsburgh

    • Marla

      u should tell narla how u feel cuz 1 day u might wake up n she decided to become a dude. u never know w/technology these days so better hurry

      marla xoxo

  • The Hedgehogs

    Dear Marla,
    This is a marital question not a dating question but let’s pretend it’s dating. My husband whom I’ve been dating for a few years loves our dog more than me. Don’t get me wrong, she’s really sweet, but he greets her first when he gets home from work and when he’s out of town he Skypes with her and brings her souvenirs. How can I reclaim my place as alpha female?
    Sincerely,
    One of the pack

  • Guest

    Dear Wendy’s,
    I will take two junior bacon cheeseburgers and small fry.
    Love,
    Hungry in Drive-Thru

  • Megan

    OMG this is hilarious. Marla, you are an advice genius! hahaha

    • Marla

      no ur an advice genius lol but srsly thx 4 the support ive always been told im not a good writer but looks like im the 1 laughin now lmao

      marla xoxo

  • Lori

    Ever since my sister got married and had kids, she hasn’t had any time for me. I know she has other priorities in life right now but i miss how it used to be. I’m still single and living in an apartment so I feel like we can’t relate to anything anymore.

  • Anonymous

    Hi Marla,

    Love the pics, by the way. You’re a great artist!

    I discovered Twitter a few months ago, and I feel like it’s my new home. For a long time in my life, I struggled to fit in. I’m sort of a nerd, but I’m funny… and funny and being a nerd don’t always go hand in hand.

    Anyway, I found this girl on there that I think is incredible! She’s honestly one of the funniest, if not the funniest, people I’ve ever met in my life. For a long time I thought she was a creep mannequin, but then later I found out that she’s this super pretty girl who lives not too far from me. I think our astrological signs are even super compatible! It seemed too perfect… I just had to ask her out.

    Well, we exchanged a few emails, and she kind of danced around the issue for a while, but then told me “I have to be honest with you: I’m kinda seeing someone.” Well, I don’t know what that means, but I’m kinda bummed about it. I mean, funny girls don’t come around that often. And this guy that she’s seeing – he probably just likes her because she’s pretty. Does he appreciate her sense of humor like I do? Did he want to meet her when she was a creepy manniquin the same way that I did, so inspired by her comedic geunius that her looks were the farthest thing from his mind?

    I just don’t know what to do at this point. I mean, I’m not crazy. I know there are other girls out there. And I’ve got a lot going for me. I just want to take her out to dinner or something to meet her and so that she can meet me. Do I keep talking to her? Do I star her tweets? I’ve never really been in this kind of position before, and could really use your expert advice.

    Thanks!
    Twitter-struck

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  • paula

    Dear Marla,

    After spending the past 3 years on my own, I recently moved back in with the parental units. I just started grad school and can no longer afford the lavish lifestyle I once led. My mom has been very supportive and is thrilled to have me home but my Dad on the other hand is counting down the days till I move out. He treats me like a hired hand, expects me to do all the laundry, the grocery shopping and all the cleaning. I have a full time job and take classes at night. My mom is appreciatve of all I do but my Dad just constantly reminds me that I forgot to use fabric softener or that I bought the wrong toilet paper How can I make my Dad more appreciative of my contributions and also make my stay with them a ittle more tolerable?

    Paula

  • Troy

    I love my wife but I can’t STAND her mother. She tries to have a say in every single decision my wife and I make. My wife doesn’t know how I feel and I don’t know how to tell her. Any ideas?

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