Slacktory

Justin Bieber and tonsilitis

Google recently launched Google Correlate, which is like Google Trends backwards: Draw a graph, and Google tells you which searches have risen or fallen like that graph. Or enter a search term and it tells you what terms follow a similar search history.

It’s useful for serious scientists and businessmen looking for actionable correlations. That is exactly how we used it. Every search match-up here is super-meaningful and the world made it happen on purpose and please use this as financial, legal and medical advice.

Correlation is entirely equal to causation. For example, Justin Bieber causes tonsillitis in adults.

 

We offset this one by two weeks, meaning that a little while after America’s laziest college students google for a paper idea, they’re working on lazy papers. Other correlated searches include “media influence”, “gender stereotypes” and “bibliography page”.

 

Weirdly, paternity tests spiked the same time as dog food. Guess a lot of people felt lonely in the spring of 2007.

 

Obviously, while Democrats suffering a Bush re-election were super-interested in leaving Canada, Obama-hating Republicans were not.

Every earthquake inspires a spike of doofuses looking to prove that these are the last days. Luke 21:11, part of a Biblical prophesy about the end times, reads: “There will be great earthquakes, famines and pestilences in various places, and fearful events and great signs from heaven.” So obviously, the end times came in the 1300s.

 

People start looking for trailers to rent a week after they see red spots on themselves. This is totally because rednecks are dirty and not because both are summer trends. Or maybe people with chicken pox like Broadway films.

 

I plugged in the history of the Dow Jones Industrial Average. It correlates pretty well with job interview searches. So that’s “interesting” in that academic way that means BORING, LET’S FIND SEX THINGS

 

Breast enlargement and reverse phone lookups have the same weird spikes during their long downward slope.

 

If you only had Google Trends, you’d think the Golden Gate Bridge got the most searches in the spring and fall because those are good times to travel to San Francisco. But nope, it’s because kids are looking it up for school projects. High correlations include “kingdom phylum”, “flag of”, “johann gutenberg” and “historical facts”.

 

For a higher-brow game with Google Correlate, try artist Austin Kleon’s correlations with Kurt Vonnegut plot descriptions.

  • http://thefrogman.me The Frogman

    Is he holding a golden penis?

Copyright © 2014 My Damn Channel, Inc. All Rights Reserved. Designed in collaboration with Wondersauce.

Google+