Slacktory

Maroon 5

We asked Mark Baumer for a thousand words on Steve Jobs’ impact on American culture and the relevance of a Jobs-less Apple Inc. He gave us this.

Everyone who has ever been depressed, bored, unemployed, or out to eat for breakfast should make a rap parody song called “Maroon 5000.”

Only people who think they are funnier than they actually are (which includes the whole world) have permission to make a rap parody song called “Maroon 5000.”

It also seems logical that only persons who have never listened to rap music or a single Maroon 5 song be allowed to make a rap parody song called “Maroon 5000.”

The rap parody song called “Maroon 5000” should sound nothing like a rap song or a Maroon 5 song.

Because “Maroon 5000” is technically a piece of my intellectual property anyone who makes a rap parody song called “Maroon 5000” has to pay me twenty dollars.

During the creation of a rap parody song called “Maroon 5000” creators are only allowed to eat foods that consist of both ice cream and gold watches.

People involved in the creation of “Maroon 5000” must pretend to have impregnated every woman in the world.

When you sing “Maroon 5000” you are only allowed to think of really sexist things about women.

People who listen to “Maroon 5000” are only allowed to urinate on living objects.

If you are not sure how to make a parody rap song called “Maroon 5000” then just record yourself yawning and release these yawns as a mixtape.

Everyone in the entire world should only drink things that are poured from red gasoline cans.

If you don’t have any brothers then grow a brother by combining a pile of dead goldfishes with some Roundup weed and grass killer. When your brother is full grown teach him to play the guitar really well.

To be successful it is important to monetize every human experience you have because every day about 1.5 million Americans blink at 7:43 a.m. and if you made a penny for every one of these blinks then you would almost be rich.

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