Slacktory

Meatloaf

1997

Hi Joe,

Just wondering when you wanted to try and get together again. I sure had fun the last time we hung out! “Looks like he ordered the meatloaf too” haha. Anyway, hit me up when you get a chance.

-Mark

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Hello,

I will be out of the office on vacation until August 18 and will not have access to e-mail. I will do my best to respond as soon as I return.

-Joe

 

2001

Hey Joe,

How’s everything going? Man, it feels like it’s been forever since we’ve seen each other! I figure you must be doing pretty well for yourself since this job you have seems to give you a ton of vacation time! We’ve got to meet up soon to catch up over some drinks (and meatloaf lol) (and DRUUUGS haha j/k unless you really want some in which case I can definitely help you out). My e-mail address is still megamarkman56@hotmail.com, so that’s probably the best way to get in touch with me. Hope to see you soon buddy!

-Mark

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Hello,

I will be out of the office on vacation until December 30 and will not have access to e-mail. I would have brought my laptop with me, but with all the new airport security restrictions I didn’t think it was worth the risk. I will continue to not bring my laptop with me on vacation until my faith in our nation’s airport security has been completely restored, which may never happen. I am responding to this national tragedy in my own unique way, so please do not question my motives. I will do my best to respond as soon as I return.

-Joe

 

2005

Helloooooooo Joe!

Hoo boy! I was getting a little worried we would never be able to get in touch again, but luckily this guy Vito was able to find out your new e-mail address for me (I can’t believe you’re not using joelovesblow69 anymore! That was classic!). Only cost me 500 bucks and a dinner in that area of town where someone who gets to go on vacation as often as you do would never bother spending any time (I ordered the meatloaf ROFL). Anyway, we need to hang out soon. There’s been a lot going on in my life since the last time we spent any time together, so we have a ton of catching up to do. Like, did you know that if you hide cocaine in a bottle of vinegar, most police dogs can still smell it? Because I didn’t! Still using megamarkman56@hotmail.com, so you better hit that account up as soon as you can!

-Mark

P.S. Vito tells me you’re making six figures a year these days. Any chance you could loan an old friend 500 bucks?

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Hello,

I will be out of the office on vacation until March 16. Although I will have some access to e-mail at this time since I decided to become a respectable member of society and get a job that provides me with a BlackBerry, I will and should only be receiving work-related e-mails on this device. If, for example, I receive an e-mail from the Internal Revenue Service about a client of mine, I will respond, but if someone is merely trying to “hang out” with me, I will do my best to respond as soon as I return.

-Joe

 

2008

Joe, couldn’t help but notice in our last e-mail correspondence you mentioned something about a client. Any chance you need another one? Turns out a lot of substances that are illegal in Wisconsin are actually illegal in South Dakota too! Who knew, right? I’m assuming you didn’t because you go vacation in luxurious foreign locales so damn often you probably no longer have a reason to know what you are or aren’t allowed to do under U.S. law. Anyway, I decided to delete my old e-mail account before this investigation proceeds any further, so when you try to get in touch with me make sure to use meatloafmark57@hotmail.com (thought you’d like that haha), NOT megamarkman56@hotmail.com. We’ve also still got all that catching up to do, so I really just can’t wait to hear from you! Literally! Like, if I wind up waiting for more than a few days, I’m probably going to jail.

-Xavier (it is very important that you refer to me using this name from now on)

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Hello,

I will be out of the office on vacation until June 4. Normally I would still be able to check my e-mail using my iPhone, but my son recently dropped it in the pool, so it no longer works. I have attached a photograph of my son, who is clearly still young enough to accidentally drop things in pools, and I believe it is common knowledge that iPhones no longer work after being submerged in water, making this excuse perfectly believable and not suspicious at all. The good news is that I’ve been working hard these past few years instead of committing crimes, so I will be able to buy another one soon enough. In the meantime, all I will have with me is my BlackBerry, which, as I stated before, can and should only be used for work-related purposes. If you attempt to get in touch with me about something that is not work-related, I will do my best to respond as soon as I return.

-Joe

P.S. Begging a tax attorney to help defend you against charges of possessing, using and/or selling drugs does not count as work-related, just in case anyone was wondering.

Sent from my iPhone

 

2011

Joseph AND the Amazing Technicolor Dream Coat, how the heck are ya? It’s actually been a pretty rough three years for me, but they’re over now, and I’m a better man for it. That’s actually why I want to talk to you: I think you have a chance to make yourself a better man just like I did. You see, the Islamic faith really has a lot to offer all types of people, whether they’re a successful tax attorney who’s spending all his money on vacations instead of using it to help his fellow man or a prison inmate who’s heard that Roscoe’s Rascals tend to leave the converts alone. I would love to have an opportunity to discuss the benefits of Islam with you in person, so why don’t you shoot me an e-mail at MuslimMark7@hotmail.com and we’ll set a date? Also, don’t worry: meatloaf is totally kosher in the Muslim faith! Ha.

-Mark

P.S. Please send me some money. I really need it.

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Hello,

I will be out of the office on vacation until October 30. Like all successful people these days, I will have easy access to e-mail the whole time via my laptop, BlackBerry, and/or iPhone. Therefore, if you e-mail me and I do not respond, it means I have no desire to talk to or meet up with you. This is especially true if you are someone who I drunkenly met and gave my e-mail address to in a bar 13 years ago because he convinced me that “it would be fun.” Past e-mails have led me to realize that the aforementioned sentence may be too subtle for such a person to understand, so please pay very close attention to the next two sentences, separated from the rest of the e-mail and bolded for everyone’s convenience:

Mark, I do not want to talk to or see you. At this point in my life, I don’t even really remember who you are.

If literally anyone else tries to get in touch with me, I will do my best to respond as soon as I can.

-Joe

P.S. Hearing me mention that I didn’t like the bar’s meatloaf and then saying “Looks like he ordered the meatloaf too” when you saw someone puking later is not worthy of becoming an inside joke. This is especially true if the person puking happened to be my pregnant wife.

Photo CC Rick on Flickr

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