Slacktory

Scumbag-Mark-Zuckerberg

The Facebook Terms of Service is a bitch to read. So we translated it into a more familiar vernacular (with a lot of swearing). You can read it all on one page. Everything below is from Facebook. Kinda.

9. Special Provisions Applicable to Developers/Operators of Applications and Websites

If you run a website or a Facebook Application, then holy shit do we have some motherfucking rules for you! We’ve got more rules here than you could shake a stick at. You’d think, because we published two other documents listing a bunch of new rules, that’d be it. But you’d be mistaken. We also have more rules here. We just… you guys, we fucking love rules.

  1. We’re allowed to give you whatever we want! Seriously, everything here is ours to share however we’d like. So please, partake in our untold informational riches, as long as you follow these ten simple rules:
    1. We’re only going to give you what you absolutely need to run your application. I know we said otherwise above; what can we say? We don’t want you abusing our users’ personal data. That’s kind of our thing, you know?
    2. Before we give you anything, though, we want to know exactly why you want this shit and precisely what you plan to do with it. And don’t just tell us – make sure you tell everyone who uses your application.
    3. And then, once you tell us and them how you’re going to use this information, you fucking stick to it, or you’ll lose your privileges faster than that time you got caught throwing a kegger in second grade. …No one else?
    4. If someone asks you to delete their data, fucking do it. And don’t make it hard to ask, either – don’t be like, “We would, she just needs to fill out this form in triplicate using cursive.” Who the fuck knows cursive anymore? Provide a clear, easy mechanism to ask for deletion.
    5. This data is not for advertising. I don’t care if Don Draper himself leapt out of your TV and told you he has a great fucking idea, if only he can see this one picture; this shit is not for creative. Period.
    6. You can’t give this data to advertisers or anyone even remotely related to advertisers, even with the user’s consent. Users will consent to anything if you make it long and boring enough – just look at all this bullshit you’re reading. Don’t even try to trick them. It’s off-limits, period.
    7. You definitely can’t sell the data. Fuck, even we don’t sell our data. If someone buys your entire company, they can use the data, but only for exactly the same thing you were using it for. New uses, new application process, motherfuckers.
    8. Maybe your users will be like, “Hey, Facebook, I didn’t think that Developer X would use my data like that!” And we’ll be like, “Well, technically they’re allowed, but don’t worry. We got this.” We can tell you to delete the data if they don’t like it. Sorry we’re not sorry, they come first.
    9. We can limit your access to data. It’s that simple. Bitch.
    10. Also, don’t forget about the other rules! Always more rules.
  2. Maybe somehow you also collect information on your own. That’s cool, as long as your users know you’re collecting it. But don’t tell us about it – we wash our hands of whatever the fuck you find out, unless the user tells you it’s cool to tell us. Otherwise, don’t you put that evil on us.
  3. Same rules for deleting your application as deleting information: keep it simple, stupid. Don’t be making people click a bunch of unnecessary buttons or whatever.
  4. Also, make sure users can contact you if they want to. If we find out you’re being a dick to users and they can’t get in touch with you, we will tell them where you live. Or, at least your email address. But have you seen what 4chan can do with just an email address?
  5. If people have problems with your application, it’s sure as shit not our job to find the solution for them. Customer support is your job. Get it done.
  6. Yeah, no advertisements that aren’t our advertisements. And no searches that aren’t our searches.  We’re not trying to have you muscling in on our ad revenue. We don’t play that game.
  7. We’re going to give you a bunch of tools to make your application happen. No worries; you have all the rights you need to use whatever we give you. We’re not going to come banging on your door in the middle of the night like, “Were you using that fucking hammer?!” It’s cool – use the hammer. It’s why we gave it to you.
  8. If you let other people use our tools, though, we’ll kill you.
  9. Don’t be telling people we’re tighter than we are. You’re just some application developer; we don’t want to find out you were trying to impress that hottie or those investors by telling them you know Mark or whatever. You don’t.
  10. Yeah, sure, you can use our logo or tell the press about us or whatever, that’s cool. Just, y’know… there are more rules about that.
  11. We can tell the press that you work with us whenever we want. So if you’re creepin’ on your girl or whatever, she’s going to find out about us eventually. So you should tell her yourself, maybe.
  12. Follow the law! Seriously, I can’t believe we have to say that. But we do; people love to break these ones especially:
    1. Be ready for shit that infringes. People love to infringe on copyright; they would totally download a car if they could. If they keep it up, fucking kick ‘em out. DMCA all up in this motherfucker.
    2. Also, comply with the Video Privacy Protection Act (“VPPA”), and make damn sure you get explicit consent from everyone involved if you want to use anything that even might be subject to the VPPA. We, uh, look, don’t tell anyone, but we got into a little bit of trouble with it a couple years ago and we’re not fucking with that anymore. So don’t tell us shit about what you find out, we’re done with it.
  13. Is developing for us free? Yeah! For now.
  14. If you’re going to move your stuff into our house, we’re going to use it. So, you give us the rights to make your content work with the rest of Facebook the way we want it to.
  15. We also get to decide how and where to put your stuff. And if you don’t like that we put our own ads next to it, well, you can suck it. That’s just what we do.
  16. Basically nothing you create is private. We can check out your content, mine your data, analyze your application and pretty much whatever else we want, for any reason at all. Yes, even to make money off of your shit. Problem?
  17. Anything we can’t analyze for profit, we can audit for, uh, safety. You know. The users’.
  18. Maybe you have a really unique idea. Great! Ideas make the world go round, amirite? So, if we like your idea, consider it a compliment if we develop our own application just like yours and then use our virtually limitless resources to compete with you. Thanks for the help!

10. About Advertisements and Other Commercial Content Served or Enhanced by Facebook

There’s no way around it – we’re going to show you some ads. But we have a vision, and that vision is that we’ll show you ads that you actually want to see. Idealistic? Yes. Downright ludicrous? Maybe. But we like to dream big:

  1. Sometimes we’re going to use your picture and your name in ads. Maybe we’ll tell your friends, “Hey guys! This guy over here likes this thing, shouldn’t you?” It makes people buy more shit if we trick them like that. Since we’re going to use your name and picture one way or the other, it’s probably better if you tell us how you do and don’t want it used.
  2. Seriously, though, we promise not to tell advertisers anything about you without your permission. See? When you get to know us, we’re not so bad.
  3. On the other hand, we don’t have to tell you shit, either. Sometimes you’ll see something that looks like an ad, but maybe it isn’t, and you’ll be like, “Is that an ad, Facebook?” and we’ll be like, “…Good question.”

11. Special Provisions Applicable to Advertisers

We’re going to let you decide who you want to see your ads. Mostly. It’s… it’s complicated. Maybe a bunch more rules will help:

  1. When you order ads, you tell us what kind of ad you want, how much you’ll spend, and how many you want for that amount. We don’t have a set price-per-ad, obviously, because then we can’t take advantage of your fiscal fuck-ups. Careful about overbidding, bitches! If your proposal works for us, we’ll make it happen ASAP. Look, we’re going to do our best to show the ad to the right people, but we can’t promise anything. Maybe some bronies see some ads for tampons. Shit happens.
  2. If we think it’ll help, we’ll broaden your audience. Sure hope we’re right! Well, I guess we don’t care, it’s all the same to us.
  3. You will pay for your orders according to our Payments Terms, and we’ll just let you know how much you owe us. Just… just trust us. We’ve got it all figured out, okay?
  4. Some other rules: Advertising Guidelines.
  5. We’ll decide where your ads go and how big they’ll be. Just back off, bro, we’ll handle it.
  6. We know we take control of a bunch of shit about your ads, like where they go and who sees them, but we don’t guarantee they’ll work at all. If we change some shit and it doesn’t work… oops.
  7. If your competitors are being dicks and clicking on your shit unfairly, that’s not on us. I mean, we’ll check for fraud and try to stop it and shit, but that’s a favor we do you, not some shit we promise, ‘kay? So, I guess you’re fucking welcome.
  8. You can cancel whenever, it’s cool. We seriously don’t mind. But we might not get to it right away, so if maybe we accidentally keep showing your ad for an extra day, well, you’re welcome for the extra exposure that you also have to pay for.
  9. Once we finish what you asked us to do, we’ll obviously stop running your shit. But just a heads up, if our users interact with it, shit doesn’t just go away. So, if you’re running a limited time deal or whatever, be on your toes.
  10. We can use your ads in our ads, like when we make ads for selling ads. We call it ADCEPTION.
  11. Don’t tell anyone you’re working with us unless we tell you in writing that it’s cool. Look, advertisers are sleazy motherfuckers, we’re not trying to be seen with you guys.
  12. Maybe we’re like, “Uh, no, this ad won’t work.” Maybe you’re tempted to ask why. Well, because fuck you, that’s why.
  13. If you’re buying ads for someone else, we need to be sure you’re allowed to do that. We’re not trying to have you advertise for your competitors like “Click now and we won’t kill your puppy!”:
    1. You gotta have the legal authority to make promises for the advertiser, including that they’ll follow this statement.
    2. If the advertiser fucks up, we might come after you too. You can’t be all like, “Nah, he’s my cousin’s old roommate, he’s cool, I promise.” and then not pay for it when he steals our TV.

12. Special Provisions Applicable to Pages

Have a Page? Have more rules.

Now read the whole fucking thing on one page.

Original photo via Joseph Rosenfeld

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