The Facebook Terms of Service is a bitch to read. So we translated it into a more familiar vernacular (with a lot of swearing). You can read it all on one page. Everything from here on out is from Facebook. Kinda.

We use English, bitches. Yeah, we translated it for some of you, but if the translation says anything different at all, English rules. So if you’re not reading this in English, technically none of it matters. Just FYI. Also, you foreigners should check out section 16, fucking stat.

We last fucked with this: April 26, 2011.

Statement of Rights and Responsibilities

All these rules are based on some other rules we have that aren’t really rules so much as guidelines. These rules, though, are the real rules, and they say what you can and can’t do on Facebook, and what we can and can’t do with your shit.  We treat your use of Facebook exactly like college athletes treat silence – consent, motherfuckers.

1. Privacy

We give lots of fucks about your privacy, so we wrote this. Read it, so you know what the fuck we’re going to do with the shit you post, so you’re not all “Facebook, I had no idea!” when your shit is in our press releases. That way you know the deal when you’re deciding what to post.

2. Sharing your Content and Information

  1. Good news! Everything you put on Facebook is yours. Seriously, we would never steal it from you, because that would be a dick move. You have complete control over your own shit in the settings. Uh, except for a few things:
  2. For things covered by intellectual property law, (which is, I mean, just minor shit like your pictures and videos; whatever, amirite?) you grant us license to use it literally however the fuck we want for as long as it’s up. Seriously, we can blow up your pictures and Photoshop in sombreros and dicks and then put them up on billboards in Asia if we want. Also, we can let our friends use your shit however they want. But! Once you delete your shit, then we’ll all stop using it. Unless, of course, your friends also have it up.
  3. When you delete intellectual property, we delete it the same way you delete files! Except we also keep backup copies. Only for a little while, though, and we won’t let anyone else use it. Pinky promise.
  4. When you use an application that we don’t make – and you can totally do that if you want, we won’t be mad – but we give them as much shit as you let us, and you make a separate agreement with them about what they do with that shit. We make sure they respect your privacy, though. We’ve got your back.
  5. Sometimes when you publish things, you can share with “Everyone”. Just so you know, we mean everyone. Every. Fucking. One. But if they ask whose shit it is, we only tell them your full name and show the one picture. That’s it. So make it a good picture.
  6. Hey, sometimes, maybe you have an idea! Fuck yeah, we love it when you have ideas. If you tell us your idea, maybe we’ll be like, “Hey! Great fucking idea, kid! We’re totally going to make that happen.” We, uh, we don’t have to pay you for it, though, just like you don’t have to tell us how to improve our site, asshole. Thanks.

3. Safety

We really, really want Facebook to be safe! But we can’t actually promise you that it’s safe. This is the Internet, bro; it’s like the fucking Wild West out there. But we do have the very realistic expectation that everyone will follow these rules, all the time:

  1. Don’t spam. No shit, Sherlock, right? This is serious: don’t try to sell shit, either your shit or other people’s shit, on Facebook without our permission. This isn’t Craigslist, assholes.
  2. Don’t be a robot. Don’t even use a fucking robot. Look, not to sound robophobic here, but you’re not allowed to use robots, spiderbots, scraperbots, Fembots, or anything else that’s not a bona fide human fucking being to collect people’s information.
  3. Hey, have you seen Bernie Madoff’s Facebook? Fucking right you haven’t, because we don’t allow that shit up in this bitch. No pyramid schemes, Ponzi schemes, or any other illegal financial shenanigans, so don’t even try.
  4. Don’t put viruses on Facebook. In fact, don’t run any code that hurts computers. (Holy fuck, I can’t believe we have to tell people that.)
  5. Don’t ask people for their login information. I don’t give a fuck if it’s your roommate or your boyfriend or whatever, it’s not your Facebook. So don’t go on it.
  6. Don’t be a bully. Look, I don’t know if you saw the movie, but Mark is super sensitive about intimidation and harassment, okay? So, you know, be cool.
  7. Free Speech? Not on our watch. Hate speech, threats, porn? Nooope. What do you think this is, an ACLU rally? The First Amendment doesn’t apply in here, motherfuckers. So don’t be starting riots; we don’t want to see violence, and we don’t want to see your dick. Shit, we don’t even want to see tits. We’re that serious.
  8. Hey, maybe you’re an alcohol company, or you make rated-R movies or whatever. That’s cool, adults can have fun too, man. But don’t be letting impressionable 15 years-olds see that shit; make sure you’re checking IDs at the door.
  9. We made some rules about contests. If you’re going to give shit away, follow those rules.
  10. In addition to all this shit, don’t break the law, don’t lie to people, and don’t discriminate. In general, just don’t be a fucking dickhead on Facebook. All dickheadery is officially banned, okay?
  11. We like to keep our shit in good working order. Wouldn’t you? So don’t fuck with it. Let Facebook work the way it’s meant to work, or you’re going to have a lot of pissed off college students after you.
  12. Don’t break these rules. And if someone you know is like, “Hey, bro, should I break these rules?” Be like, “No, asshole, you shouldn’t.” And if he’s like, “Ahh, fuck it. I’m going to anyways. Help me out.” Be like, “No. I’m not going to be a party to your bullshit.” We’d… we’d appreciate that.

Now read the whole thing.

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