Slacktory

Three-Mark-Zuckerbergs-again

The Facebook Terms of Service is a bitch to read. So we translated it into a more familiar vernacular (with a lot of swearing). We also translated the iTunes clickthrough agreement.  Everything from here on out is from Facebook. Kinda.

We use English, bitches. Yeah, we translated it for some of you, but if the translation says anything different at all, English rules. So if you’re not reading this in English, technically none of it matters. Just FYI. Also, you foreigners should check out section 16, fucking stat.

We last fucked with this: April 26, 2011.

Statement of Rights and Responsibilities

All these rules are based on some other rules we have that aren’t really rules so much as guidelines. These rules, though, are the real rules, and they say what you can and can’t do on Facebook, and what we can and can’t do with your shit.  We treat your use of Facebook exactly like college athletes treat silence – consent, motherfuckers.

1. Privacy

We give lots of fucks about your privacy, so we wrote this. Read it, so you know what the fuck we’re going to do with the shit you post, so you’re not all “Facebook, I had no idea!” when your shit is in our press releases. That way you know the deal when you’re deciding what to post. Next: Sharing your shit. »

2. Sharing your Content and Information

  1. Good news! Everything you put on Facebook is yours. Seriously, we would never steal it from you, because that would be a dick move. You have complete control over your own shit in the settings. Uh, except for a few things:
  2. For things covered by intellectual property law, (which is, I mean, just minor shit like your pictures and videos; whatever, amirite?) you grant us license to use it literally however the fuck we want for as long as it’s up. Seriously, we can blow up your pictures and Photoshop in sombreros and dicks and then put them up on billboards in Asia if we want. Also, we can let our friends use your shit however they want. But! Once you delete your shit, then we’ll all stop using it. Unless, of course, your friends also have it up.
  3. When you delete intellectual property, we delete it the same way you delete files! Except we also keep backup copies. Only for a little while, though, and we won’t let anyone else use it. Pinky promise.
  4. When you use an application that we don’t make – and you can totally do that if you want, we won’t be mad – but we give them as much shit as you let us, and you make a separate agreement with them about what they do with that shit. We make sure they respect your privacy, though. We’ve got your back.
  5. Sometimes when you publish things, you can share with “Everyone”. Just so you know, we mean everyone. Every. Fucking. One. But if they ask whose shit it is, we only tell them your full name and show the one picture. That’s it. So make it a good picture.
  6. Hey, sometimes, maybe you have an idea! Fuck yeah, we love it when you have ideas. If you tell us your idea, maybe we’ll be like, “Hey! Great fucking idea, kid! We’re totally going to make that happen.” We, uh, we don’t have to pay you for it, though, just like you don’t have to tell us how to improve our site, asshole. Thanks.

3. Safety

We really, really want Facebook to be safe! But we can’t actually promise you that it’s safe. This is the Internet, bro; it’s like the fucking Wild West out there. But we do have the very realistic expectation that everyone will follow these rules, all the time:

  1. Don’t spam. No shit, Sherlock, right? This is serious: don’t try to sell shit, either your shit or other people’s shit, on Facebook without our permission. This isn’t Craigslist, assholes.
  2. Don’t be a robot. Don’t even use a fucking robot. Look, not to sound robophobic here, but you’re not allowed to use robots, spiderbots, scraperbots, Fembots, or anything else that’s not a bona fide human fucking being to collect people’s information.
  3. Hey, have you seen Bernie Madoff’s Facebook? Fucking right you haven’t, because we don’t allow that shit up in this bitch. No pyramid schemes, Ponzi schemes, or any other illegal financial shenanigans, so don’t even try.
  4. Don’t put viruses on Facebook. In fact, don’t run any code that hurts computers. (Holy fuck, I can’t believe we have to tell people that.)
  5. Don’t ask people for their login information. I don’t give a fuck if it’s your roommate or your boyfriend or whatever, it’s not your Facebook. So don’t go on it.
  6. Don’t be a bully. Look, I don’t know if you saw the movie, but Mark is super sensitive about intimidation and harassment, okay? So, you know, be cool.
  7. Free Speech? Not on our watch. Hate speech, threats, porn? Nooope. What do you think this is, an ACLU rally? The First Amendment doesn’t apply in here, motherfuckers. So don’t be starting riots; we don’t want to see violence, and we don’t want to see your dick. Shit, we don’t even want to see tits. We’re that serious.
  8. Hey, maybe you’re an alcohol company, or you make rated-R movies or whatever. That’s cool, adults can have fun too, man. But don’t be letting impressionable 15 years-olds see that shit; make sure you’re checking IDs at the door.
  9. We made some rules about contests. If you’re going to give shit away, follow those rules.
  10. In addition to all this shit, don’t break the law, don’t lie to people, and don’t discriminate. In general, just don’t be a fucking dickhead on Facebook. All dickheadery is officially banned, okay?
  11. We like to keep our shit in good working order. Wouldn’t you? So don’t fuck with it. Let Facebook work the way it’s meant to work, or you’re going to have a lot of pissed off college students after you.
  12. Don’t break these rules. And if someone you know is like, “Hey, bro, should I break these rules?” Be like, “No, asshole, you shouldn’t.” And if he’s like, “Ahh, fuck it. I’m going to anyways. Help me out.” Be like, “No. I’m not going to be a party to your bullshit.” We’d… we’d appreciate that.

4. Registration and Account Security

People on here use their real names and information, which is the whole fucking point of Facebook, and we’d like to keep it that way. So when you sign up, here’s what you can and can’t do so we know that you’re who you say you are. Don't be a dick, read the rules. »

  1. Okay. So, obviously, don’t make shit up. Duh. Also, don’t make shit up for other people. I give zero fucks about how hilarious your biology teacher is; maybe you’re thinking, the world just needs to know. No we don’t. So don’t make a Facebook for him without his permission.
  2. One Facebook per person. We know how much time you spend on here; you don’t need a second profile. Fucking trust us.
  3. If your Facebook is down, we didn’t do it for shits and giggles. You fucked up, and now you have to sit in the corner like a child. Except here, that means don’t make a new Facebook until we say you can.
  4. Your Facebook is not your own personal billboard for you to sell space on however you please. We’re not saying your profile isn’t an engine for monetary gain! You should see how much we make off of it. We’re just saying you can’t profit from it.
  5. 13 years old or GTFO.
  6. No convicted sex offenders; if you’re not allowed near a playground, you’re not allowed on Facebook.
  7. Make sure you keep your shit up to date, so that if people try to call you they’re not calling the Guatemalan lady who got your old phone number. She’s got enough to worry about, don’t you think?
  8. You’ll notice when you type your password, we don’t show the actual characters. Know why? Because that shit is supposed to be a fucking secret, that’s why. So don’t go handing out your password like singles in a strip club on payday; you’re the only person who should be able to get into your Facebook. Keep it that way.
  9. Maybe you decide you want to give away your profile, or maybe you quit your job and you want to give someone else the Page you run. You don’t own that shit, motherfucker, we do. So don’t give it away unless we say you can. In writing. Bitch.
  10. We’ll let you pick a username! That way, you can make simple links to your page instead of copying and pasting some 500-letter code written in a half-dead language. You’re fucking welcome. Don’t go abusing that privilege by picking obscene words or taking business names, or we’ll send you right back to typing out Quechua.

5. Protecting Other People’s Rights

We, uh, heh, we respect people’s rights. Heh heh. *Ahem*. Sorry. Seriously though. We do. And you should too.

  1. Don’t put shit up that fucks with other people’s rights. Also, fuck you for making us spoon-feed you this instead of relying on common sense.
  2. Seriously, we’re not joking about that last one. If you post shit that we think breaks these rules, we will terminate it with the extremest of prejudice. Oh, sure, you can appeal, and, uh, yup, says right here, that’ll definitely be a completely fair process.
  3. Okay, look. We’re not bad guys, just a little strict. If you legit think people are taking your intellectual property (besides us, of course. Seriously, thanks again for letting us use it however we want, we really appreciate that) check out this page.
  4. Infringe on people’s rights once, shame on you. Infringe twice, and we’ll delete your page so fast even your Myspace won’t want you back.
  5. Hey, you see that logo up there in the corner? Pretty cool, huh? Yup. We made that! And a bunch of other trademarks, too. And, uh, no. You can’t use it, or anything that looks even remotely like it. We don’t want people thinking that we’re associated with you, now, do we?
  6. There’s a lot of information in here about a lot of people. Useful stuff, information, right? Well, you can’t have it, unless you tell everyone exactly how you’re going to use it and make sure they okay it. Who do you think you are, us?
  7. As much as we love having your shit easily accessible, even we have our limits. Don’t put IDs or sensitive financial shit up here; this isn’t a CIA database. As far as we know.
  8. Yeah, we’ve made it super easy for you to invite your friends and to tag them in pictures and shit. So easy, you’d think we want you to invite them. You might even be tempted to do it. But don’t, unless you have their permission. Don’t email anyone an invite to Facebook until you have their permission. No, go ahead, we don’t mind if you email them to ask for permission to email them. We’ll just wait over here.

6. Mobile

  1. If you think we’re dicks, you should try dealing with phone companies. We let you use our shit on phones for free; they’re the ones charging you to get text messages.
  2. Let us know when you change your number, so we’re not calling you all worried when you don’t respond to our texts. Besides, you don’t want mischievous Guatemalan Grandma changing your profile remotely.
  3. We let people sync their phones with FB, because we live in the motherfucking future. Which means if you don’t want your creepy-ass lab partner to have your number, make sure he can’t see it. Don’t blame us when you start getting phone calls with heavy breathing.

7. Payments and Deals

If you use Facebook to complete a transaction, you agree to let us control a whole bunch more shit, including pretty much every aspect of that transaction you can possibly imagine. It’s, uh, it’s for your own safety.

8. Special Provisions Applicable to Share Links

We have this really cool thing that just lets people post your shit from anywhere on the web directly to their Facebook! And we don’t even mind if you use it. And all you have to do is let your content be on Facebook. That’s not too much to ask, is it? I mean, if you put the ‘Share’ button on your site and don’t want people sharing your stuff, you fucked up anyway. Just, you know, make sure none of your shit breaks these rules, or we’ll take the button away and no one wins.

9. Special Provisions Applicable to Developers/Operators of Applications and Websites

If you run a website or a Facebook Application, then holy shit do we have some motherfucking rules for you! We’ve got more rules here than you could shake a stick at. You’d think, because we published two other documents listing a bunch of new rules, that’d be it. But you’d be mistaken. We also have more rules here. We just… you guys, we fucking love rules. Read some rules, bros! »

  1. We’re allowed to give you whatever we want! Seriously, everything here is ours to share however we’d like. So please, partake in our untold informational riches, as long as you follow these ten simple rules:
    1. We’re only going to give you what you absolutely need to run your application. I know we said otherwise above; what can we say? We don’t want you abusing our users’ personal data. That’s kind of our thing, you know?
    2. Before we give you anything, though, we want to know exactly why you want this shit and precisely what you plan to do with it. And don’t just tell us – make sure you tell everyone who uses your application.
    3. And then, once you tell us and them how you’re going to use this information, you fucking stick to it, or you’ll lose your privileges faster than that time you got caught throwing a kegger in second grade. …No one else?
    4. If someone asks you to delete their data, fucking do it. And don’t make it hard to ask, either – don’t be like, “We would, she just needs to fill out this form in triplicate using cursive.” Who the fuck knows cursive anymore? Provide a clear, easy mechanism to ask for deletion.
    5. This data is not for advertising. I don’t care if Don Draper himself leapt out of your TV and told you he has a great fucking idea, if only he can see this one picture; this shit is not for creative. Period.
    6. You can’t give this data to advertisers or anyone even remotely related to advertisers, even with the user’s consent. Users will consent to anything if you make it long and boring enough – just look at all this bullshit you’re reading. Don’t even try to trick them. It’s off-limits, period.
    7. You definitely can’t sell the data. Fuck, even we don’t sell our data. If someone buys your entire company, they can use the data, but only for exactly the same thing you were using it for. New uses, new application process, motherfuckers.
    8. Maybe your users will be like, “Hey, Facebook, I didn’t think that Developer X would use my data like that!” And we’ll be like, “Well, technically they’re allowed, but don’t worry. We got this.” We can tell you to delete the data if they don’t like it. Sorry we’re not sorry, they come first.
    9. We can limit your access to data. It’s that simple. Bitch.
    10. Also, don’t forget about the other rules! Always more rules.
  2. Maybe somehow you also collect information on your own. That’s cool, as long as your users know you’re collecting it. But don’t tell us about it – we wash our hands of whatever the fuck you find out, unless the user tells you it’s cool to tell us. Otherwise, don’t you put that evil on us.
  3. Same rules for deleting your application as deleting information: keep it simple, stupid. Don’t be making people click a bunch of unnecessary buttons or whatever.
  4. Also, make sure users can contact you if they want to. If we find out you’re being a dick to users and they can’t get in touch with you, we will tell them where you live. Or, at least your email address. But have you seen what 4chan can do with just an email address?
  5. If people have problems with your application, it’s sure as shit not our job to find the solution for them. Customer support is your job. Get it done.
  6. Yeah, no advertisements that aren’t our advertisements. And no searches that aren’t our searches.  We’re not trying to have you muscling in on our ad revenue. We don’t play that game.
  7. We’re going to give you a bunch of tools to make your application happen. No worries; you have all the rights you need to use whatever we give you. We’re not going to come banging on your door in the middle of the night like, “Were you using that fucking hammer?!” It’s cool – use the hammer. It’s why we gave it to you.
  8. If you let other people use our tools, though, we’ll kill you.
  9. Don’t be telling people we’re tighter than we are. You’re just some application developer; we don’t want to find out you were trying to impress that hottie or those investors by telling them you know Mark or whatever. You don’t.
  10. Yeah, sure, you can use our logo or tell the press about us or whatever, that’s cool. Just, y’know… there are more rules about that.
  11. We can tell the press that you work with us whenever we want. So if you’re creepin’ on your girl or whatever, she’s going to find out about us eventually. So you should tell her yourself, maybe.
  12. Follow the law! Seriously, I can’t believe we have to say that. But we do; people love to break these ones especially:
    1. Be ready for shit that infringes. People love to infringe on copyright; they would totally download a car if they could. If they keep it up, fucking kick ‘em out. DMCA all up in this motherfucker.
    2. Also, comply with the Video Privacy Protection Act (“VPPA”), and make damn sure you get explicit consent from everyone involved if you want to use anything that even might be subject to the VPPA. We, uh, look, don’t tell anyone, but we got into a little bit of trouble with it a couple years ago and we’re not fucking with that anymore. So don’t tell us shit about what you find out, we’re done with it.
  13. Is developing for us free? Yeah! For now.
  14. If you’re going to move your stuff into our house, we’re going to use it. So, you give us the rights to make your content work with the rest of Facebook the way we want it to.
  15. We also get to decide how and where to put your stuff. And if you don’t like that we put our own ads next to it, well, you can suck it. That’s just what we do.
  16. Basically nothing you create is private. We can check out your content, mine your data, analyze your application and pretty much whatever else we want, for any reason at all. Yes, even to make money off of your shit. Problem?
  17. Anything we can’t analyze for profit, we can audit for, uh, safety. You know. The users’.
  18. Maybe you have a really unique idea. Great! Ideas make the world go round, amirite? So, if we like your idea, consider it a compliment if we develop our own application just like yours and then use our virtually limitless resources to compete with you. Thanks for the help!

10. About Advertisements and Other Commercial Content Served or Enhanced by Facebook

There’s no way around it – we’re going to show you some ads. But we have a vision, and that vision is that we’ll show you ads that you actually want to see. Idealistic? Yes. Downright ludicrous? Maybe. But we like to dream big:

  1. Sometimes we’re going to use your picture and your name in ads. Maybe we’ll tell your friends, “Hey guys! This guy over here likes this thing, shouldn’t you?” It makes people buy more shit if we trick them like that. Since we’re going to use your name and picture one way or the other, it’s probably better if you tell us how you do and don’t want it used.
  2. Seriously, though, we promise not to tell advertisers anything about you without your permission. See? When you get to know us, we’re not so bad.
  3. On the other hand, we don’t have to tell you shit, either. Sometimes you’ll see something that looks like an ad, but maybe it isn’t, and you’ll be like, “Is that an ad, Facebook?” and we’ll be like, “…Good question.”

11. Special Provisions Applicable to Advertisers

We’re going to let you decide who you want to see your ads. Mostly. It’s… it’s complicated. Maybe a bunch more rules will help:

  1. When you order ads, you tell us what kind of ad you want, how much you’ll spend, and how many you want for that amount. We don’t have a set price-per-ad, obviously, because then we can’t take advantage of your fiscal fuck-ups. Careful about overbidding, bitches! If your proposal works for us, we’ll make it happen ASAP. Look, we’re going to do our best to show the ad to the right people, but we can’t promise anything. Maybe some bronies see some ads for tampons. Shit happens.
  2. If we think it’ll help, we’ll broaden your audience. Sure hope we’re right! Well, I guess we don’t care, it’s all the same to us.
  3. You will pay for your orders according to ourPayments Terms, and we’ll just let you know how much you owe us. Just… just trust us. We’ve got it all figured out, okay?
  4. Some other rules: Advertising Guidelines.
  5. We’ll decide where your ads go and how big they’ll be. Just back off, bro, we’ll handle it.
  6. We know we take control of a bunch of shit about your ads, like where they go and who sees them, but we don’t guarantee they’ll work at all. If we change some shit and it doesn’t work… oops.
  7. If your competitors are being dicks and clicking on your shit unfairly, that’s not on us. I mean, we’ll check for fraud and try to stop it and shit, but that’s a favor we do you, not some shit we promise, ‘kay? So, I guess you’re fucking welcome.
  8. You can cancel whenever, it’s cool. We seriously don’t mind. But we might not get to it right away, so if maybe we accidentally keep showing your ad for an extra day, well, you’re welcome for the extra exposure that you also have to pay for.
  9. Once we finish what you asked us to do, we’ll obviously stop running your shit. But just a heads up, if our users interact with it, shit doesn’t just go away. So, if you’re running a limited time deal or whatever, be on your toes.
  10. We can use your ads in our ads, like when we make ads for selling ads. We call it ADCEPTION.
  11. Don’t tell anyone you’re working with us unless we tell you in writing that it’s cool. Look, advertisers are sleazy motherfuckers, we’re not trying to be seen with you guys.
  12. Maybe we’re like, “Uh, no, this ad won’t work.” Maybe you’re tempted to ask why. Well, because fuck you, that’s why.
  13. If you’re buying ads for someone else, we need to be sure you’re allowed to do that. We’re not trying to have you advertise for your competitors like “Click now and we won’t kill your puppy!”:
    1. You gotta have the legal authority to make promises for the advertiser, including that they’ll follow this statement.
    2. If the advertiser fucks up, we might come after you too. You can’t be all like, “Nah, he’s my cousin’s old roommate, he’s cool, I promise.” and then not pay for it when he steals our TV.

12. Special Provisions Applicable to Pages

Have a Page? Have more rules.

13. Amendments

  1. We can change any of these rules as long as we let you know, and give you a chance to comment on the change. We’ll give you a heads up over on this page, as long as you become a fan. And really, who isn’t a fan of Facebook Site Governance?
  2. Okay, look. Some of these sections really are important. Sections 7, 8, 9, and 11 involve money, for example, so we’ll give you a minimum of three days’ notice. For all other changes we will give you a minimum of seven days’ notice. Why would we give you more notice for the shit that doesn’t involve money changing hands? C’mon. Think about it. You know why.
  3. Facebook is all about you! So if 7,000 of you people complain about a proposed change, then we’ll let you vote on what we should do instead, even though we come up with the alternatives we propose to you, and they might all suck even more. Does that vote even matter? Absolutely! As long as you get 30% of active users to vote. So, just, uh, round up 210 billion of your closest friends and get them involved!
  4. Obviously, if we’re making changes for legal reasons, or because it makes it easier for us to administrate, we don’t have to tell you shit. We’re not going to put it to a fucking vote every time our lawyers are like, “Hey guys, I think this comma should go over there.” We know you, Internet; you’re fucking terrible about commas. Next up: Shutting your shit down. »

14. Termination

If you violate this Statement, we can shut your shit down permanently. What do we mean by violate? Well maybe you did something everyone is down with, but it’s still technically a violation, the worst kind of violation. That counts. But also, if it’s not clear that it’s a violation because of some legalese bullshit, but we’re like, “Yeah, we meant that you’re not allowed to do that. It doesn’t say that you’re not allowed, but, you know, clearly we didn’t want you doing that shit.” That also counts. So basically, just don’t fuck around on the edge, because it turns out we’re patrolling both sides of that border, kids. Maybe you don’t violate these rules at all, but you come up with some new and creative way to make shit difficult for us. How? We don’t know, otherwise we’d have a rule about it. We’re not the fucking criminal masterminds here. If any of this shit goes down, we’ll email you, or else the next time you try to log in, your shit will be gone. And you’ll know. Oh, you’ll know.  You can also delete your own shit whenever. We’re not trying to hold you hostage. No matter what, though, once your profile is gone, these rules go away. Uh, except for the ones that don’t, which is most of them: 2.2, 2.4, 3-5, 8.2, 9.1-9.3, 9.9, 9.10, 9.13, 9.15, 9.18, 10.3, 11.2, 11.5, 11.6, 11.9, 11.12, 11.13, and 14-18. Basically, all that shit about “hey, even once your profile is gone, we can still use your stuff!!”

15. Disputes

  1. Where do you live? No, just kidding. We don’t give a fuck. Any legal action you want to take at all will be resolved in Santa Clara County under the law of the State of California. Study up, I guess?
  2. If someone else takes legal action against us because of some shit you did on Facebook, holy fuck, bro. You are in so much fucking trouble. To start, you’re going to pay back our legal costs, and you’re going to make sure we don’t take a hit because of this. Don’t fuck up on Facebook is what I’m saying – you’re on your own. We’ll cut your ass off like you’re Jason Bourne without the skills.
  3. LEGALLY WE’RE REQUIRED TO YELL THIS PART BECAUSE IT’S FUCKING IMPORTANT. THIS IS THE PART WHERE WE TELL YOU THAT WE DO OUR BEST TO NOT HAVE BROKEN SHIT BUT WE CAN’T MAKE ANY PROMISES OR GUARANTEE ANYTHING AT ALL. WE DON’T EVEN PROMISE THAT USING FACEBOOK IS SAFE SO IF YOU GET AXE-MURDERED BECAUSE OF SOME SHIT YOU DID ON FACEBOOK THAT’S NOT ON US WE TRIED TO WARN YOU WE EVEN YELLED IT. WE CAN’T PROMISE THAT ANYTHING ANYONE DOES ON FACEBOOK IS COOL AND SOMETIMES BROS ARE DICKS SO IF A COMPANY SCREWS YOU OR WHATEVER USING FACEBOOK YOU WON’T SUE US OR OUR EMPLOYEES OR ANYONE INVOLVED WITH US AT ALL ESPECIALLY OUR GRANDPARENTS THAT WOULD BE A DICK MOVE. IF YOU LIVE IN CALIFORNIA THEY HAVE THIS SPECIAL LAW WHERE IF YOU GIVE UP YOUR GENERAL RIGHTS TO CLAIMS YOU DON’T HAVE TO GIVE UP YOUR RIGHTS TO CLAIMS THAT YOU COULDN’T HAVE KNOWN ABOUT WELL GUESS WHAT YOU GIVE THOSE UP TOO SO SUCK IT. IF SOMETHING GOES WRONG AND YOU LOSE PROFITS OR TAKE DAMAGES OR WHATEVER THAT’S NOT ON US EITHER EVEN IF WE KNEW IN ADVANCE WE MIGHT FUCK SHIT UP SO DON’T THINK WARNING US WILL HELP BECAUSE IT WON’T. AT MOST WE’RE RESPONSIBLE FOR THE AMOUNT THAT YOU’VE PAID US IN THE LAST YEAR NOT A PENNY MORE UNLESS YOU PAID US LIKE THIRTY-FIVE BUCKS IN WHICH CASE WE’LL ROUND OFF TO A HUNDRED DOLLARS BECAUSE THAT’S ALL ZUCKERBURG HAS IN HIS WALLET ANYWAYS. SOME PLACES HAVE LAWS THAT DON’T LET US LIMIT DAMAGES LIKE THIS WHICH FUCKING SUCKS BUT MAYBE THIS DOESN’T APPLY TO YOU. IF THAT’S THE CASE THEN WE’RE ONLY LIABLE FOR LITERALLY AS LITTLE AS THE LAW FORCES US TO BE BECAUSE WHY WOULD WE WANT TO BE LIABLE FOR MORE THAT’S JUST FUCKING RETARDED.

16. Special Provisions Applicable to Users Outside the United States

We’re all about one big human family and all that bullshit, but we also try to respect the rules wherever you live. You know how much we love rules. So here’s the deal if you’re not in America:

  1. Obviously you let us transfer your shit to America for processing. We’re not setting up a server in every backwoods country where people want Facebook. Otherwise we’d have to put servers in all the backwoods countries there are, because who doesn’t want us?
  2. If America isn’t trading with your country for whatever reason, maybe your ruler is a dick, maybe you bombed one of our buddies, who knows, or else if the Department of Treasury says you personally can’t trade with America, then you can’t trade with us or do anything on our system to make money. We’re not trying to fuck with embargoes, here.
  3. Germany, you guys have some fucked up laws, and we have extra-special rules for you guys here.

17. Definitions

  1. By “Facebook” we mean all the shit on our website, and also all the shit that we’ve branded with our logo or translated or made for phones and tablets and whatever, also the like buttons you see on other pages and anything you can download or will be able to download in the future. If you think it might be part of Facebook, but you’re not sure, it’s probably part of Facebook.
  2. By “Platform” we mean all the shit that lets you people make your shit interact with Facebook.
  3. By “information” we mean stuff about you. All the stuff about you. So much stuff about you.
  4. By “content” we mean uploaded stuff that’s related to you that’s not necessarily about you, basically anything that’s not information.
  5. By “data” we mean content and information that people can put on Facebook or get from Facebook using the Platform.
  6. By “post” we mean post on Facebook or post that we can see some other way, maybe through an app. Just… all the posts. That’s what we mean by “post”.
  7. By “use” we mean use, copy, publicly perform or display, distribute, modify, translate, and create derivative works of.
  8. By “active registered user” we mean anyone on Facebook in the last 30 days, all those addicts out there who constantly need their fix.
  9. By “application” we mean anything that accesses Platform, plus anything that gives us data or takes data from us. Maybe you shut your shit down and it doesn’t access Platform anymore; doesn’t matter. You’re still bound by the application guidelines until you get rid of the data we’ve given you, so don’t think you can hoard that shit and skirt the rules.

18. Other

  1. If you live in the US or Canada, then you’re dealing with Facebook, Inc. If you’re anywhere else, you’re dealing with Facebook Ireland Limited. Yeah, Ireland, because those fuckers are too busy getting drunk to really have tight laws. That’s not a dig, we fucking love those guys. They’re cool as shit. So when we say “we”, “us, “our”, all those vague group words, we mean one of those two companies, whichever applies to your region.
  2. This statement is the entire agreement we have. There were some old versions that had different rules, we know, but that shit doesn’t matter at all anymore. Literally no other agreement we’ve ever had before this one matters anymore. This is it.
  3. If some court somewhere decides that something we said is some bullshit or whatever, and we can’t make it work, that doesn’t mean the whole agreement goes out the window. Literally everything except the one part that doesn’t work stays in effect.
  4. Maybe you’ll break one of these rules like a dickhead, but since we’re cool and all, we’ll let it slide a couple of times. That does not mean that the rules no longer matter, or that we’ve decided you don’t have to follow that rule, it just means we’re not assholes. Don’t take advantage of our good will; we can start enforcing this again whenever the fuck we like and we will bring the rain if you make us.
  5. If we do decide you don’t have to follow one of these rules for whatever reason, or if we change these rules, it sure as fuck better be in writing from us. Don’t be calling Mark when he’s tired and trying to get him to agree to some shit at midnight or whatever; it won’t count. That fucker loves his sleep.
  6. We’ve given you some rights, and told you that you have to take care of some shit for us. Don’t try to get someone else to take care of that shit, and don’t be like, “Hey Facebook, you know that thing you said I could do? I’m letting this guy do it for me.” Your rights and obligations don’t transfer without our permission, also in writing.
  7. We can transfer our rights and obligations whenever we want. Deal with it.
  8. We’re going to follow the law. So don’t be like, “Hey, Facebook, I know that’s a subpoena and everything, but, I mean, the Agreement.” Fuck the Agreement if the police come knocking.
  9. This is an agreement between you and us. Third parties don’t get any rights to benefit or anything. Focus up.
  10. Follow the fucking law.

Thanks for reading, bros. If you want something else translated into plain bro-speak, just ask in the comments. Or go read our straight-talk translation of the iTunes contract you agreed to without reading.

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