Slacktory

Cathy crying

Videogum’s Gabe Delahaye is pushing for a live-action movie version of the classic comic strip Cathy. But apparently he’s imagining a comedy. I think we need to consider its potential as a Darren Aronofsky-directed drama.

INT. CATHY’S APARTMENT – NIGHT.

CATHY and IRVING enter the apartment. CATHY is carrying a bag of takeout food; IRVING holds his briefcase in his hand.

CATHY
Could you set the table, dear?

IRVING
Hmm.

CATHY goes to the kitchen and sets the food down. IRVING takes a seat in the living room and pulls an iPad out of his briefcase.

CATHY
I thought I asked you to set the table?

IRVING
I’ll do it later.

CATHY
I don’t want to eat LATER, Irving, I’m hungry now.

IRVING
Suit yourself.

CATHY
“Suit yourself”? You’re just gonna come out with that?

IRVING
Jesus fucking Christ, Cathy, I’ve had a long goddamned day and I just want to relax and unwind for a minute before I eat and if you can’t be relaxing than I don’t want to have anything to do with you.

IRVING studies his iPad.

CATHY walks out. She returns to the kitchen and holds her face in her hands. From the other room, the telltale sounds of an Angry Birds game in progress can be heard. CATHY remains motionless for several minutes, listening to the cartoonish sound effects.

CATHY
Fuck. Fuck.

She takes a pair of saucepans out of the cupboard and clangs them together several times. The Angry Birds sounds stop. There is a long pause.

IRVING
What are you doing, Cathy.

CATHY
What does it sound like I’m doing, Irving. Nothing. I’m not doing anything. I’m just standing here in the kitchen by myself, trying to find a way to not stick a knife in my throat because my husband would rather play with his computer than eat dinner with his wife who he’s supposed to love. What are YOU doing Irving? Are you having a good time? Are you having fun?

IRVING
Jesus Christ, you don’t need to be so dramatic. You’re going to kill yourself now?

CATHY
Like you even care about what I do. Why don’t you go back to your iPad, Irving? You don’t care about me. You’re such a fucking jerk.

She cries.

IRVING
If you can’t even be a rational person I don’t see why I should have to listen to you.

IRVING stands up and puts on his hat and scarf and walks out of the apartment. CATHY slumps to the ground and convulses, her body wracked with guttural sobs.

MUSIC: “EVERYBODY HURTS” by R.E.M.

The phone rings.

CATHY
God damn it!

The phone rings out. There is a moment of silence, then it begins again.

CATHY (screaming at phone)
FUCK YOU!

She snatches the receiver up.

CATHY
WHAT DO YOU WANT?

Her expression softens.

CATHY
Oh, hey, mom. Sure, I’m OK. I… Irving and I just had another fight. It was nothing, mom.

A long pause.

CATHY
Jesus, mom, I know that. I just don’t really want to talk about it with you! Can you drop it, please? What are you calling about anyway?

Another pause.

CATHY
Well, yeah, mom, of course. If I’d known he was going to turn into this cold, emotionally unavailable jerk I wouldn’t have married him in the first place. I didn’t know he’d be like this! I didn’t know anything would be like this! I just… This is hard, mom. I wish I knew what to do.

She SIGHS.

CATHY
No, I don’t need any more winter sweaters, mom. Goodnight, mom.

CATHY hangs up the phone. She walks over to the refrigerator, takes out a beer and tries to chug it. She makes it half way before dashing to the sink and spitting up. She finishes but remains poised over the sink, as a sticky thread of drool stretches down from her mouth. She uses her lips to try and detach it, with no effect.

CATHY
Ack.

Photo © Tramper2 – Fotolia.com

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