Slacktory

mad-men-yourself-nick-small

Everyone else has, dude. Except a guy in the TechCrunch comments yesterday. And my high school friend on Facebook, but he only uses that account to double-check Adult Friend Finder matches, so it’s not like he’s a role model.

What is it with you Mad Men avatar keepers? It’s not like you ever see someone with a leftover Scott Pilgrim avatar. And don’t give me your “well it’s still on the air!” bullshit. So is South Park. Go make one of those, and then be all “LOL gingers!”

Because you and I both know why you’re hanging onto this cartoon that doesn’t even look like you. It’s because the cartoon version of you is an adult.

You didn’t keep Scott Pilgrim or South Park because those avatars too closely resemble you. Not in facial features, because none of these toys are adjustable enough to match your specific face shape and hairstyle (thank god) — they resemble you because they are children. They wear t-shirts and shorts, like you.

Mad Men You is wearing a suit. I have never seen you in a suit. Do you even own a suit?

Mad Men You owns five.

He also smokes a pipe. He’s drinking a cocktail you couldn’t make and probably couldn’t name.

And that’s why I’m staging this intervention. Because this avatar is a cry for help, dude. This avatar is a sign of what you could be.

So tell you what. I hacked your webcam and I’m taking a picture of you right now. And I’m making it your profile pic. And you’ll be so embarrassed, and I’m warning you now that I’m gonna do it again tomorrow, so in the second pic you’ll at least have a shirt on.

And the next time you’ll be shaved, and the next time maybe you get a haircut. And we’re gonna keep posting pictures until one day, the webcam’s on but you’re not there. You’re out in the world. And all your FarmVille crops have died.

And that’s when I swoop in and beat your ass in that game, sucker.

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