Slacktory

t-shirt guy on a laptop

My official job title is “Social Media Rock Star.” When I tell people that, I also tell them that I’m not kidding; it really is my job title. If they say that they “heard me the first time” or that they “didn’t think it wasn’t my job title,” I just say I know and that I thought I saw them make a face or shrug in a way that implied that maybe they didn’t believe me.

But really, it is my job title.

I work for a New Media Marketing company. It’s not like the boring jobs my friends with houses have back home. It’s much more fun and laid back. My job requires me to be an expert on Facebook and Twitter. How cool is that?

When I interviewed for the position, I wore jeans and a t-shirt. That’s why I got the job. I also got the job because I’m smart. There was another guy interviewing for the job and he was wearing a suit. I was like, “Hey, nice suit man! What, are you going to a suit convention or someplace that requires a suit?” I didn’t say that, but I was thinking about it for a pretty long time.

Later, when I was driving home I thought, “Hey, nice suit man! What, are you going to a funeral?”

Everyone in our company is super creative. Most of the men have beards and the women joke about how lonely they are. Last week, Karen, our producer, said that she saw a pacifier on the sidewalk and burst into tears. I know that doesn’t sound like a very good joke, but the way Karen said it made everyone laugh really hard. I don’t even think we noticed Karen walk away. One of us was just all of a sudden like, “Hey! Where’s Karen?”

Keith is our boss, but his title is “Head Honcho.” It makes him more approachable. He used to work for a big ad agency, but left it because he didn’t feel like they were letting him be creative enough. That’s why he started this company. It’s essentially the same job he was doing before, but it’s more organic because it lacks the security of his old job and the office is in a pretty rough neighborhood.

Still though, it beats grinding it out for six figures in some dull accounting office like the idiots I went to high school with.

Another big part of my job is to update the company blog with stories about how fun and laid back we are. It’s crazy because I can write about pretty much anything and I don’t have to worry about getting in trouble. I can write that we were having margaritas at happy hour or that we turned the office into a dance party the night before. Sometimes, Keith has me write about those kinds of things even if they didn’t happen because we were working late.

There is a scooter in our office. People ride around on it and nobody cares. There’s also rollerblades and a putting green. For a while we thought we had some pogo sticks, but they turned out to be a set of polio crutches belonging to a client. We bent them up pretty bad.

We also have a coffee machine. It’s really dirty, but it’s free and Keith likes to say that it’s silly to leave your desk to go stand in line at some coffee shop when we’ve got free coffee right here. Every time he sees someone with a coffee from Starbucks, Keith will joke about it, like, “Well, well, well! Is our coffee not good enough for you, your Majesty?” Then he’ll laugh because he’s just kidding. Every so often, Keith will send us an email with instructions on how to use the coffee machine even though we already know how.

Being a social media rock star usually means staying late. Even on days when I don’t need to stay late, I’ll just do it anyway because other people are staying late. That’s just kind of how it is around here. If a coworker leaves before 9pm, the other coworkers will say something like, “Hey! I guess so-and-so’s only putting in a half day today!” Then we all laugh and joke about how worthless that person is and how he/she should be fired. Minutes later, the rest of us leave simultaneously.

The next day, we do it all over again. Only, it’s different somehow because the thing about social media is that it’s always morphing into something new.

I once told some clients that my job changes the same way a caterpillar changes into a butterfly. One of the clients asked me what change happened after the butterfly – since I said it was always changing and all, and I told him that I didn’t know. And that’s why social media is so interesting. Because nobody knows.

“I think the butterfly just dies,” said the other client. “That’s the next major change.”

In the restroom, I stared into the mirror and pretended to fight the client. First, I kicked him in the knee and then, when he doubled over; I punched him in the side of the head. I repeated the motion adding a part where the client tried to strike me first. That way, my actions were in self-defense.

Where it stands now, I don’t have the money to be sued for assault, but I know that if I work hard enough, one day, I will.

Photo by Peter Atkins, licensed on Fotolia

Reddit readers: You might also like our column by Mark Zuckerberg. And yes, this was entirely fictional.

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  • http://sarahspy.tumblr.com sarahspy

    hilarious, and too true

  • Fuckyou

    So what’s the purpose of this post aside from self congratulating yourself for having a stupid job?

  • Snark

    i dont think you guys understand humor

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  • ICallItAsISeeIt

    Not to mention you’re a douche.

  • Geek Pie

    he’s a self-facilitating media node

    • http://www.competitionhunter.com Iain

      Well plastic.

  • http://www.plumdistrict.com Jennifer Skrocki Eargle

    Awesome

  • http://www.plumdistrict.com Jennifer Skrocki Eargle

    Awesome

  • http://otfusion.org/jose152 Jose Miguel Salcido Aguilar

    oh yeah you are smart.

    • http://www.ipaddatentarife.de/ Selcuk

      Yep I agree :)

  • Nope

    cool story bro

  • whingeing_pom

    Social Media Rockstar or Social Media Douchebag? 5 ways to tell http://ning.it/cGOvg5

  • Ballsack

    OP is a faggot.

  • Anonymous

    This makes no sense, and still it is on the reddit frontpage.

    You sir are a social media rock star!

  • http://railsmonk.com/ Dima Sabanin

    Awesome! :)

  • Derp

    Cool story bro.

  • Courtenay Farquharson

    Yeah I like it! I’m a boring office guy. I’d drop the 6 figures if I could!

  • IHATECARS

    refers to self as XXXX rockstar: check
    refers to self as social media XXXX: check
    thinks is funny: check

    YUP YOU HAVE ALL THE HALLMARKS OF AN ENORMOUS FAGGOT.

  • IHATECARS

    refers to self as XXXX rockstar: check
    refers to self as social media XXXX: check
    thinks is funny: check

    YUP YOU HAVE ALL THE HALLMARKS OF AN ENORMOUS FAGGOT.

  • Billy

    I like wearing t-shirts and being snarky, can I have a job too?

    • http://toomuchnick.com Anonymous

      Email your best work to editor@slacktory.com and I’ll take a look.

  • Nobody

    Lame

  • Anonymous

    Sure you didn’t mean “pivoting” when you said “morphing”? ;)

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  • Whatever

    Hi, I’m Tom! I’m pretentious and shave my head because it makes my t-shirt look hip. I’m smart! People often want to discuss things, but I think “hey! we can talk about me… all day long!”. Did I mention I’m smart? Let’s talk about me. Don’t worry if you have little to say… I’m more comfortable doing all the talking…

    • http://toomuchnick.com Anonymous

      Th… that’s a stock photo. This entire story is fiction.

      • Anonymous

        Haha! I wish I thought of that: The reader who gets mad because the piece he’s reading doesn’t ask about how things are going with him. “Well, in case you were wondering Mr. Newspaper, my wife is fine now and my new job is going really well, but oh gee whiz! I guess I’ll just sit here and let you tell me more about the origins of the housing crisis.”

  • http://railsmonk.com/ Dima Sabanin

    I’m baffled looking at comments to this post. When did people completely stop understanding irony?

  • Cecil

    The sad thing is that I wouldn’t be surprised if some people were actually like this.

    • http://railsmonk.com/ Dima Sabanin

      Why is that a sad thing? It’s not these people enjoy killing other people or make people hate other people. This is pretty harmless kind of delusion I think.

      I’m more worried about “patriots” who are willing to go to war and kill other people to prove their country is “better” or “more right” than the other one.

  • http://prosebeforehos.com Alec

    This is my life :(

    • http://toomuchnick.com Anonymous

      Condolences.

  • http://twitter.com/MissTanya Tanya Edwards

    Oh man, I had that job in the 90s, only it was called “community manager.”

  • timbo

    I lol’d. You could write for McSweeney’s.

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  • http://twitter.com/yesjessica Jessica Thompson

    tom oatmeal is the best!

  • cj

    Finely executed Idiot trap,sir. Judging from the flame comments directed toward a stock photo on a clearly marked fictional post I would say….SUCCESS!

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  • Alexrcole

    Social media cockstar

  • Alexrcole

    Nice to see Lex Luther has found a post Smallville career….

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  • http://twitter.com/seonuts SEO Nut

    “I think the butterfly just dies”.

    I love a story with a happy ending.

  • http://twitter.com/tinalouiseUK Tina Louise

    The major change from caterpillar to butterfly is just the start of the change-story though…

    …as a butterfly, everything that wasn’t possible as a caterpillar – flight, supreme beauty, colour, the ‘ahh’ sound people make instead of the sighting-a-furry-caterpillar-squeaks and so much more. Change comes as standard once you get your butterfly wings.

    Here’s a thing you may not know about butterflies & will learn from this little tale of a mummy & her little girl:

    They’d got 2 cocoons on their nature walk and watched with eager anticipation for the moment they would break free. As the 1st started to wriggle, desperately pushing, straining and aching to be free, the little girl asked if they could help as it seemed so very traumatic for the butterfly-to-be. The mummy kindly assisted and very gently and carefully released the last of the cocoon. At last the butterfly was free and collapsed, dead.
    The 2nd cocoon soon illustrated why – as with every struggle, every push against the barriers around it and every gasp for strength, the butterfly wings pumped with the stuff of life and became strong enough for life and flight.

    …the moral is obvious – it is the struggle that sets our beauty free ;)

    Namaste,
    Tina Louise
    p.s.
    This is the best blog I have ever read, you made me laugh and love you x

    • http://toomuchnick.com Anonymous

      Do you wander the web looking for stories that mention butterflies so you can leave this? Your life sounds super happy and relaxing! We are all super-jelly of you!

  • Lewislily123

    Bathroom Fight Club scene mixed with the butterfly morphing flopping metaphor with the addition of the coffee machine, neighborhood, pacifier etc etc etc makes for a very nicely done post. Additional details about average ages, low number of employees work id numbers “i’m employyee number 7 of our company”…(in before double digit brag)… maybe one tatoo reference would give it a bit more umph or … naaaaaa

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  • MikeRyan

    All I got from that article is that you’re a douche

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  • http://twitter.com/grimcity Neal Boyd

    Great pisstake. Well done!

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    Enjoyed reading this!  The sad part is, I wouldn’t really be surprised is some people were actually like this.

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