Slacktory

Famous Quotes as if Spoken in Proper English

Salutations, internet ne’erdowells. Since I was a lad, I have enjoyed fine cinema. In those days, films were written and performed properly. With a dignified vocabulary and diligent diction.

Alas, those days have gone the way of the dodo. Class and manners have been usurped by poorly constructed idioms and distasteful vulgarity. I cannot view a picture film without my ears being molested by the horrendous mangling of the English language.

Therefore I have put my quill to parchment and rewritten some of the most famed movie quotations as a proper Englishman would have uttered them. I think you’ll see that they are much improved upon.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Related: Top ten movie-themed charts from I Love Charts.

  • http://sfmatheson.blogspot.com SteveMatheson
    • http://toomuchnick.com Anonymous

      Good show, fellow!

    • Pallavi

      “Am I sensing extraordinary good fortune?” too good.

  • gay

    Oh. I thought they were going to be spoken. Like, actual recordings.

    • http://toomuchnick.com Anonymous

      No, but if you record a version, we’ll post it.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=731796959 Paul Harrison

      yup. they should have been. Would have been much better. Now, as a proper english gentleman myself, I am naturally inquisitive of this idea. 

  • Anonymous

    As a legitimate ‘Proper English Gent’, or PEG as we prefer to be referred to, I can confirm that this is precisely how we converse. Indeed, many films are overdubbed in this style before their theatrical release.

    • Anon

      Verily I have found on occasion the American tongue overly coarse and lacking the sweet condiments common to civilised discourse.
      Many a time I have been moved to handwright a letter of complaint to the Holywood Committee On Such Matters. However my dozen scathing letters do appear to have shamed them to silence.

      • aden

        “handwright”?

    • Word.

      word.

  • http://zachdionne.tumblr.com Zach Dionne

    Wow, genius. “An elaborate ruse!”

  • Pallavi

    “I say to thee honestly milady” LOL.

  • Bbalinor

    Wow. That was powerfully lame.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001729100738 Hannah Wakelin

    I founded this on stumble upon, and the brokeback mountain one was just hilarious.

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  • Stone_man20

    Excuse me, young man, but I do not believe “what” is country I am aware of. Do the people of “what” use English as their dominate lanuage of comunication?

    English, you sexual deviant, are you capable of understanding it?

  • Casey Rose

    Chortle! Snarf! Chortle!

  • Old

    these are so old, not funny. Nerds

    • Anonymous

      Your comment says as much about you.

  • Old

    these are so old, not funny. Nerds

  • TakTakTak

    “Drats! It appears as though I have selected an unfortunate week to end my partaking in the acts of inhaling common adhesives!”

  • Dudewithakeyboard

    Sounds like stuff Sheldon would say ^^

  • Jon Jones

    Woody should be saying “an herptile”, not “a herptile”

    • http://www.facebook.com/Mex5150 Mexie Mex

      I’m afraid not old boy, Over here we only use the word ‘an’ prior to a vowel, the usage of it before a consonant is a nasty american habit.

      • Anon

        Actually, proper grammar for americans would be the same as the english concerning this issue. We are taught to only use ‘an’ before a vowel and ‘a’ before a consonant.

        • Vaughnnyboy

          true as fr as vowel and consonant go, but the rule applies more to the spoken sound than the written. For example an honest man has a unique outlook on life. Both of those are exceptions to the commonly perceived rule.

        • http://www.facebook.com/dennis.grace.79 Dennis Grace

          Bollocks. The ‘H’ is an aspirant. Aspirants are properly treated as non-existant in terms of preceding articles. Mexie Mex is correct on the article. As for the noun, the term “herptile,” in addition to be less specific than either the original “snake” or the more closely assigned “reptile,” is actually a chiefly US usage. I therefore submit that Messr. Woody should more properly state, “I believe I detect an ophidian couched within the recesses of my Western footwear.”

  • John72carter

    A-Team:
    one pities the fool

  • Jacobtheprojectionist

    My contribution

  • Mary

    I say! I am English, and these are quite marvellous.

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  • Comanderbanana

    I would like to take a moment to point out to you fair Sirs and Ladies who frequent this site that English food is most delectable despite what one of the above would have you believe. After all, it is the American palate that has given us deep fried butter and the “sloppy joe”. I shall not even endeavour to start upon that monstrosity you call a “twinky”. Heavens and crivens.Over all though a most informative post. I shall inform the getns at my local drinking establishment shortly. I bid you good day.

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_B7HD3ECZNVGAINYMSOIBXJFBUU Hinchmanator

      Whilst deep fried butter is truly a travesty unto mankind, upon my honor I will not hear the good name of Twinkie slandered by the likes of you, good sir. Furthermore, sloppy joes are common decent food for common decent people, and you may say their name without a shade of shame, unlike the disgusting English ‘treat’ spotted dick, which no person can confess to eating without sounding like a starved whore. I enjoyed your comment immensely and perchance we will meet at a drinking establishment some day, where we can rectify our differences over a pint of Guiness. I bid you good day sir.

      • John Smith, Esq.

        It does indeed appear to me that the comments in fact surpass the standard of the original post, inasmuch as the level of humour is greater, which is not to say anything to the detriment of said post. Sirs, I doff my trilby in your respective directions. “Expressing mirth verbally while revolving my person laterally at ground level.”

      • aden

        Guinness is an Irish drink. The English prefer real ales like locally brewed Best Bitter or an India Pale Ale.

    • Volterra

      One word: hagis. And I rest my case.

      • RealityCheque

        That’s SCOTTISH food. Nobody in English is masochistic enough to eat haggis.

        • http://www.facebook.com/dennis.grace.79 Dennis Grace

          Absolutely, proper Brits eat bangers and mash, steak-and-kidney pie, mushy pease, egg and chip–okay, maybe haggis doesn’t sound so bad after all.

  • bugs

    i like it

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  • A1nut

    “I, the fifth robot to be constructed, have obtained sentience and consciousness.”
    Short Circuit, original quote “Number 5 is alive!!”

    • http://toomuchnick.com Anonymous

      He wishes to be addressed as Jonathan the Fifth.

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    I espy deceased persons!

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  • Murraycorey49

    Can you tell me what the original quotes were?

  • Gothicsentiment

    Sir Alec Guinness isn’t a proper English gentleman? Bugger you!

  • Cromatis

    Excellent stuff

  • Anonymous

    I find it inexcusable that the right honorable gentleman included so many grammatical offenses in his preface. His amended quotations are amusing, but let not the pot call the kettle black. We must never finish a sentence with a preposition, dear sir.

    • http://toomuchnick.com Anonymous

      That’s something up with which you will not put?

  • Fredlinky

    “I regret, Mr. Bowman, that I cannot comply with your request.”
    “You must submit to him a proposal which acceptance is imperative.”
    “Wherever one finds oneself, there one exists.”
    “Please proceed, sir, to complete my delectation of this day.”

  • mikee

    In 1986 I was driving my newly acquired used Chevy Impala, which had been built in 1976, at 75mph on I-85 in South Carolina. I saw the front driver’s-side wheel begin to disintegrate, sending large pieces of black rubber sidewall in to the air. I turned to my new wife and said in a very calm voice, “We are in imminent danger of losing our lives.” Then the tire blew.

    I have known since that time that to live up to the demands of being a Proper Englishman is to know terror and yet to speak without showing it.

  • Jack

    But… But… Alec Guinness WAS a proper Englishman…

  • http://www.a2zgreetings.com Nasreenwaris

    nice good post

  • JAPPS!

    You, my girl, are a highly intellectual Velociraptor.

  • Anonymous

    Each quote makes me die a little inside. Thanks

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  • http://cubicm.blogspot.com/ Movie Music Mazaa

    Fun reading all the comments.

  • Kevindwilson

    I say old chap, does this f*ckin amp go to 11 or not?
     

    • http://toomuchnick.com Anonymous

      What, that’s not even… that doesn’t even… what?

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