The biggest problem in social networking is what I call Zuckerberg’s Law: The intelligence of a network decreases in direct proportion to the number of dumb fucks who sign up. You guys totally proved it this week.
For the three of you who missed the drama because you’re still on MySpace: I decided I would only eat meat from animals I kill myself. I asked a local chef for help, and she trained me to slaughter livestock the most humane way possible. You know how I used to gripe that if my investors say “adult supervision” one more time I’ll slit their throats? Turns out it’s easier than you think.
On Thursday I updated my status to “I just killed a pig and a goat.” Bam, 2,309 comments. I thought I’d posted to the PETA page by accident. Forbes or Fortune or whichever asked me to explain myself. I shouldn’t have bothered. The media have an uncanny ability to quote me word for word, and still get it wrong. You’d do better to get your news from Groupon.
Here’s why people suck: They use stuff without understanding where it comes from, how it works. Not because they’re stupid (they are) but because they don’t want to know. They want the benefits minus the dirty work. It’s like the Twinklevoss Twins suing me because they honestly believe they invented Facebook and I stole it from them. If they’d dare to violate the Twinklevoss Prime Directive, which states that a Harvard man is never seen programming a computer, they’d realize in five minutes that they can order the sandwich, but they can’t make the kill. Which one of us deserves to eat?
This DIY carnivore program is the most fun I’ve had since the first time I broke out that emacs. I knew the vegans would whine about it: “Bleat bleat bleat until you stop hurting animals completely, you’re part of the problem.” Right. I already tried ditching meat altogether. I killed my own carrots. Here’s what I learned: Our bodies have a hard time building new cells, fighting off disease, and scraping Google’s customer data on a diet of nothing but vegetable protein. So I’m back on the pig, but at least I’m being accountable. If I didn’t kill it, I won’t eat it. If I’m going to eat it, I kill it myself. If you have a problem with that, you can always quit Facebook. Good luck with that.
Photo by dullhunk on Flickr